Written by matwil
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Sunday, 1 November 2009

image for '2009' by Prince Charles to be a Christmas single 'Arise, Queen Anne. I hate you, Sis, I hate you!'

Prince Charles, taking a break from saving English architecture and saving endangered animals, today gave the press a preview of his forthcoming Christmas single:

'One was dreaming when one wrote this
Forgive me if my first wife went astray
But when I was woken up by servants this morning
I wished it were Coronation Day

My clothes were all gold and purple
There were people cheering everywhere
'Cause they'd stopped the Coronation
My children, well, they didn't care

They say two thousand and a niner, oops!
Mum's still on the throne
Tonight I'm going to drown my sorrows in a vat of claret wine

One was dreaming when one wrote this
Of being Charles the Third at last
My first wife left a party in Paris
And Henri went a bit too fast

War is all around Dick Cheney
You know the Royals, we don't fight
But if I have to die laughing
Gonna listen to The Goons tonight

They say two thousand and a niner, oops!
Mum's still on the throne
Tonight I'm going to drown my sorrows in a vat of Lidl's wine

If you're not in the Tory Party
Don't knock on my castle door
There's a pair of corgis in the kitchen
Camilla's got a louder snore!

Yeah, everyone's got three castles
We never pay the rent no way
Before I'd ever let that happen
I'd move across to Hudson Bay

They say two thousand and a niner, oops!
Mum's still on the throne
Tonight I'm going to drown my sorrows in a vat of tonic wine

Mummy never gets any older
Like a vampire Lady Di did say
One spends one's days doing nothing
Yet still get millions of pay

Played at being a soldier
Played at being a writer too
Everyone just ignored me
Might as well be in a zoo

They say two thousand and a niner, oops!
Mum's still on the throne
Tonight I'm going to drown my sorrows in a vat of home-made, organic, free range, Cornish wine

Princess Di she was much taller
Than me or my Granny so
Needed stilts for wedding photos
Di she still knelt by me too

There's nothing I won't say in the papers
Buildings, farms and world wildlife
Me and Dad we used to shoot them
Wish it had been the trouble and strife

They say two thousand and a niner, oops!
Mum's still on the throne
Tonight I'm going to drown my sorrows in a vat of Granny's gin

Anne she is my bigger sister
And liked and rather pretty too
She should be the next Monarch
If Mum retires, silly old moo!

The people - never will they like me
I'm a waffling pain in the arse git
Or so my father often tells me
Spike called me a grovelling shit

They say two thousand and a niner, oops!
Mum's still on the throne
Tonight I'm going to drown my sorrows in a vat of Diamond White

Off to talk to some flowers
Maybe to a marrow too
Those servant johnnies do all the work here
I just lounge around and drink Irn Bru

Wait! If Scotland leaves the Union
They'll need a new King woohoo!
Oh, they'd rather have a Queen Anne there
Blasted Sis! Boo hoo hoo!

They say two thousand and a niner, oops!
Mum's still on the throne
Tonight I'm going to drown my sorrows in a vat of claret wine

Oh, no, it's still 2009

Don't say it, 2009

2009!

2009! Mum, please resign!

She'll still be Queen in 2109

Mummy, why does everyone have a castle?

(Words and music by The Duke of Cornwall, the, er, Chieftan of the Western Isles, the Prince of That Ghastly Place Full Of Rugby-Playing Hymn Singers, um, the Duke of All, um, Sorts of, well, Places, only famous for being married to Lady Diana, Princess of Whatever She Did All Day.

That Prince feller's quite good at the guitar, isn't he? Maybe I should give another exclusive interview in the Daily Express about my views on left-handed American guitar players.)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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