Bordello Falls Gazette editor, publisher, and paper boy Abel Rodriquez looked forlornly at his latest edition, down to 2 pages, with only a handful of advertisers.
"We either have to have a few more murders, a dirty political campaign for Mayor, or I'm going to have to take Rupert Murdoch's last offer," he thought desperately to himself.
Abel knew hi speed internet would eventually come to Bordello Falls, but that would be at least 149 years from the present. He didn't think he could wait that long. He was now up to 38 subscribers out of a town of 679 souls, not counting tourists that came and went...."People just don't read anymore,Puta," he lamented to his pet Chingedara that whined morosely at his feet.
Meanwhile Sal was well into his meal with the Pissgums, the formerly conjoined twins, in their disguises as 'women of the night', which Sal easily discerned was a subterfuge to keep everyone in town from realizing there was a $5,000 price on their head.
"Well, ladies, ' said Sal, 'as I said the drinks and dinner are on me. But, say, how bout a game of cards to see who picks up the tip. You gals got a deck between yer?"
Smiling salaciously at each other, the twins each produced 26 cards, and said,
"Sure Cowboy....how bout a quick game of 5 card draw!"
"Suits me," said Sal quietly fingering the .44 Colt in his lap..."draw sounds fine...especially if it's quick! Shuffle them cards TOGETHER , I had the feeling neither of you were playing with a FULL deck...!"
Sal cut the cards, and said tersely, "deal em out, ladies!"
"Ok Sal, how many cards do you need, ' said Diablo, barely able to control a smirk.
"Ladies,'said Sal," looking at his hand, " I think I'll just play these."
Diablo looked puzzled, but never the less Pissgums took 2 cards, and he took one on the draw.
"What do you got," said Sal, looking concerned....
Pissgums and Diablo simultaneously laid down their hands, identical 2 pair; Aces & Eights, all hearts!
"The famous dead man's hand," whispered Sal, "simply F**** amazin you could have the same thing from one deck of cards!"
"How bout you Big Boy, " said Diablo, shaking his head causing the rattler tails to issue an ominous sound, as both of the twins hands began to move surreptitiously toward their garter belts where they had hidden their .32 derringers.
Sal moved as quick as lightning, the .44 appearing magically into his left hand, the barrel looking as big as the channel tunnel, at the same time turning over his cards on the table; 4 Queens....all Spades!"
The twins both farted...sweat breaking out on their brow, knowing that death was an instant away.
"Boys,' said Sal, " I know all about you. There's a $5,000 reward on your head, and I could use the money. But let me tell ya something I've learned over the years. I did some research on Google bout you guys. You served well on The Buggerall, you were fearless, if somewhat kinky, you were loyal and you stayed with the ship till the end. I like that in in people...character is hard to find these days."
"Listen, Sal," said Pissgums, glad to still be alive, " we're just trying to make a livin here...we're really not bad persons...we just had a bad start in life...no one to look after us...we had to depend on each other, even for sex! It's been a hard life, but we have been loyal...ask the cook on the Buggerall...shit, even ask that Captain....we all shared in the loot at the final payin' off...we was all the original 'Band of Brothers' before we got split up!"
"I know that," said Sal, easin his gun away, " and that's why I'm cutting yer a break, and givin up an easy $5,000. Here's the deal. I'm waiting for Chisom Morse to get back from Philadelphia where he's been meeting with the head rail road baron, Jay Gould. There's somethin bad goin on in this town...can't get a handle on it, but I'm goin to need help...I've been scountin around. If I can finger it out...there's money innit...a lot more than the $5,000 I can get for you!"
"If you want to partner up with me, "Sal continued, " I can help you go straight, in a manner of speaking, I believe in that 'don't ask, don't tell' shit, as long as the gun a man shoots is a .45 and isn't bent!"
The twins each stuck out their right hand at the same time, spit on it, and offered it to Sal, who gobbed on his, and took each in turn...the pact was made!
Diablo called for more rum, "put it on my tab," he said cheerfully to the full bosomed waitress, "I feel like I've just been reborn!"
"O.K., Sal, "said Pissgums, leaning over the table, " what's the plan...what can we do to help?"
"Well, Boys, " said Sal, " the way I see it things are fast changin here....and there's someone behind it that hasn't showed his hand yet. Look around!
We've got a horde of chinese that just moved in and took over a lot of commercial real estate. We got a mysterious shooter, who I've been told is a Rastafarian Reggae Singer who keeps 'shootin the sheriff', he's up to 3 and climbing the charts faster than 'The Bonkettes" (copyright, Skoob 2009).
"We've got the Thai 'lady boy troupe' just in from Pattalya, the Paki's will be here any day and set up curry shops , 7-11's and a hot sheet motel, and word is the Frogs left New Orleans over six months ago headin west at a snails pace...they'll eventually get here."
"Shit," continued Sal, " we've even got an itinerant Irish Artist painting happy clouds on the ceiling of the community shit house, some Scotsman wearing a skirt selling whiskey out of cart, and 2 masked women selling prayer rugs and offering free foot baths!"
"But what does it all mean," the twins asked simultaneously again? (ed. note: redundancy noted)
"It's going to be a new world order in Bordello Falls, with global implications,"
said Sal. You're going to have a universal currency, open borders, limits on the amount of shit your herd of sheep, cows, and buffalo can drop in the pasture, and the days of chickens shittin everywhere are going to be a thing of the past. You're going to see taxes, that's where they confiscate your money for the good of everyone, even those that don't work!"
"That can't be true," said Diablo in disgust and amazement. "In this day and age if you don't work, you starve to death. Even if you have to rob a little, it's still makin' a livin! There's no 'free lunch' here in the 1860's!"
"Get over it, 'said Sal testily, "I've seen into the future, and I know it to be true!"
"Ok", said Pissgums. "Maybe you're right. We ran into a small time cattle rancher with 5 cows...actually 4 now cause we shot one for breakfast, he was talking about something similar, in fact he was saying before long cattle rustlers wouldn't even be allowed to say the Lord's Prayer before they hung 'em!"
"Listen, " said Sal seriously, "I'm goin cut Sheriff Skoob in on this deal. We need his badge. I also think that behind those piss stained jeans, if one was so inclined to look, which I'm not by the way, I think the Limey's got a big pair of balls. I think this Festus act is just that...an act. I know from inside sources the man has a Webley revolver, lanyard and all, and he knows how to use it."
"As for you guys,"Sal said with a smile, "I think you can get out of drag now. No one's going to mess with you, and I'll have that newspaper guy put out a retraction on that wanted poster, after all it was first published in the NY Times by some guy named Blair that's since been discredited for writing a phony story sayin Wallace Simpson was really Jack the Ripper!"
"Say," said Sal, "why don't you boys mosey out to that ranch and sound out that guy with the four head of cattle...me thinks we could use him on the team, he sounds like he's thinkin ahead..."
"Ok, Boss," the twins said as one, (again) we're off like a herd of turtles...it'll be good to get out of these outfits now that Halloween is over...we actually made $7.50 giving out 'tricks'...."say Sweetie, " Diablo called out to the waitress, " can you change these nickels and dimes into some folding cash?"
The boys sauntered out of the restaurant and Sal was left to contemplate his next move, as soon as he purified his hand with an alcohol swab to prevent any 'swine' flu from being spread by being 'gobsmacked' by the former Buggerall twins.
He figured the next step was to pour some hot tea into Sheriff Skoob, and have a 'heart to heart' with him, and get the law on his side for the upcoming showdown, which was sure to be bloody, as soon as he got updated from 'the conductor' who was due back in town from Philadelphia any day now with his marching orders.
Sal moved out into the night, heading for the Apache Oasis, with Satan at his side, his yellow eyes searching the night, looking for any excuse to rip the balls off anyone who threatened his master...especially if he might be chinese...he'd eat one, and 4 hours later, he was hungry again! He plodded on, his mind repeating over and over again, his favourite tune, "Can't get No Satisfaction'....he sensed he would soon have a lot of blood on his snout in the coming days....!