'Firstly, boys and girls, you must have a white skin, so things get a bit complicated already. Because millions of Britons including me are Celtic people, people who are or whose ancestors were Scottish, Welsh or Northern Irish. And are very dark-looking people, because the Celts originally came from the Middle East. OK, let's just forget that little snag, ahem.
Secondly, you must have a British name, though my own name is a Welsh one mispelt by English people, and in fact most Brits know no Welsh nor even care about the Welsh. Problem with that is that the Welsh are in fact one of Britain's two indigenous peoples - American writers please look away from the page now, in case you get educated - who were the Picts and the Ancient Britons, the second now called the Welsh, who were a large majority in Britain - and named Britain after where they came from, which was, er, France. Well, Brittany. Shit, this is getting more complicated, boys and girls, but let's carry on.
When the Romans left Britain around 450 A.D. not a single English or Scottish person existed in Britain, in fact Angles and Saxons then Danish and Vikings were all illegal and unwanted immigrants that forced their way to this island after that, mass-murdering anyone who stood in their way, while Scots were the huge Clan Scot that came from Ireland. And last but not least the Normans - more French people - took over all of England and the south of Scotland without asking anyone's permission.
So most of the Scots and English are newcomers to Britain, and to this day Scots and Welsh and Irish people violently hate the English and vice versa, and it's only in recent years that they all stopped fighting bloodthirsty wars and managed a form of peace by simply ignoring each other's countries. So I wouldn't be refused service in a pub in Scotland or Wales, but there wouldn't even be a hint of any welcome mat being rolled out for me either, simply because I'm English.
As for the British flag, the 'Union Jack', it has been regularly used by British citizens to start fires in parts of the UK, such as Northern Ireland and the east end of Glasgow, and as for 'speaking English' ... only windbags like me and BBC newsreaders speak the Queen's English, people in cities as close to one another as Liverpool and Manchester, and Glasgow and Edinburgh, can't understand a single word the other people are talking about if they go there.
Don't forget the 'cricket team' test either, which my friend Norman Tebbo said defined people as being British - odd, when 7 million Britons in Scotland, Ulster and Wales want anyone playing England at cricket or at any sport to hammer England. Look, surely things aren't this complicated? I mean, er, religion! Aha, now I've got something to get my teeth into.
As I said on my farcical appearance on the BBC's 'Lack Of Questions Time' last week, this is a Christian country. Well, apart from the Scots, a million of them are Roman Catholics, as are millions of English people, the rest of the Scots are Presbyterians, whatever that foreign word means. As for the Welsh, who knows what religion they follow, they're out of this book too.
Which leaves C of E people like me. The Church of England is a cross between Roman Catholicism from Italy and Protestantism from Germany, then Switzerland. Sounds all a bit too foreign to me, there must be something 'British' in Britain, surely?
Chips? Nope. White skin? No. A British language? Nae chance, pal. Oh well, I suppose I'll just have to bribe the Beeb to keep putting me on their news in the hope that lots of morons in England vote for the British National Party -
even though there's no such thing as being British, national is a joke, and it's not a party, just a sad one-man band that if it ever became genuinely vote-winning would be destroyed by 99% of the tolerant 'white' citizens of the United Kingdom, as were the National Front and the British Union of Fascists.
Its people like me that make almost the entire population of Britain want more immigrants, with new cultures and traditions, and want to kick parasites like me back to whichever stone we crawled out under from. Now that's what being British is really all about.
And don't forget - Sir Winston Churchill was a passionate opponent of fascism, and would be giving me his famous 'V' sign if he was still here today, only the other way round.
I quit. The British are just too smart for me.'