7:00 Wake up after dreaming I'm Abraham Lincoln
7:10 Switch off tape of 'How to Speak Like a 1700s preacher' that's been running all night beside my bed
7:15 Have breakfast of organic, freetrade Guyanan coffee, and a slice of old, feeble baloney
7:30 Receive daily phone call from Israel, telling me what to do today, and reminding me that the next set of tanks are now due for delivery, as they'll be needed to use against civilians in Gaza soon
7:45 Put another pin in my voodoo doll of Hillary Clinton, and dance around it making loud cackling noises
8:00 Leaf through brochures of the few countries I've yet to visit as President, think Outer Beardistania sounds nice
8:30 Go to Oval Office to discuss USA worldwide defense plans for the coming quarter, find that the military staff have already made all the decisions without me and gone home
9:00 Write another speech for American TV. 'Let me now say - no, no, no, dammit! Let us now say, royal we, royal we! Let us now say we have yet to do a single thing for America, or for the world. Well, that about sums up my Presidency so far, what's for lunch?' Throw speech across the room into my gold-plated Democrat Party garbage can
9:30 Look up the words 'socialist' and 'communist' in an American dictionary, someone's changed them to 'public' and 'Federal' with a red pen. Dang that George! He's even added some words of his own to the book - 'misunderestimated', 'ruledfromTel-Aviv' and 'drunkenbrain-damagedbaboon'!
10:00 Appear on ABC News to do my Abraham Lincoln and 1700s preacher impersonations, to much laughter I can hear all the way from London. Blasted Limeys! Always makin' fun of what are, essentially, a bunch of underachieving British colonials with no culture or sense of humor, or ability at winning wars. Or even sports.
10:30 More baloney and coffee, then try writing another speech. 'Although I promised to pull the troops out of Iraq and set up a universal health care system here that countries like Britain have had since 1945, I won't do either. I'll then waffle crap about it being 'more difficult than I thought', something only very naive fools would believe. I.e. Americans'
11:00 Have myself photographed pointing angrily at nothing in a serious way for American newspapers. Dunno why, but it makes millions of 'em vote for me. They haven't noticed yet that I never actually do anything, whew!
12:00 Seven hour lunch break, so read the papers. Reminds me to send more jets to Israel, in case their army and air force are attacked by Palestinian children with bows and arrows. Lucky for me Americans haven't spotted sending millions of their taxes to Israel yet
7:00 Have dinner of more old baloney, washed down with a pint of horse urine with artificial fizz, 'BogWater's'. Yuk! Practice making 'Presidential' faces in the mirror
8:00 See Hillary coming up the garden path, just manage to sneak out the back door before she arrives! Throw up dinner on the roses in disgust, I hate that evil vampire woman!!
9:00 Michelle waves her Palestinian flag at the window to signal it's safe to go back into The White House, though even then I tiptoe along the corridor just in case. Michelle makes silly hammering-a-stake-into-herself mimes at the top of the stairs, and the kids are wearing plastic vampire teeth and black capes! I don't think they're being very funny
9:30 We all gather round the TV to watch 'The Waltons', the most realistic portrayal of the great US of A ever made. Then the kids are off to bed, after half an hour of 'Night, Night, Momma's and 'Night, John Boy's, it sure brings a tear to my apple pie.
Michelle says that for an American family struggling through the Depression the Waltons seem fantastically rich and well off - about five cars, all employed, tables practically groaning with massive home-cooked meals, and never even slightly short of money.
I start making a speech to her about workers' rights and health care, but she throws a tea towel at me and tells me to 'Stop sounding like a high school windbag!' She can be real mean sometimes
10:00 Switch on the BBC news - well, only cretins with a mental age of four watch American news. Have to turn over quick, as that horrible slimy lizard with that dreadful fake smile is on again, yep, Gordon Griffin. Or is it Nick Brown? Who cares.
More American lives lost in helicopter crashes, it's amazing how helicopters are never shot down any more, but always crash in accidents. Something to do with one man with an 1800s rifle being able to shoot one down, I guess, but the USA has invested so many millions in making them that they have to be used. Still, American men dieing pointlessly in Iraq is another thing I'm keeping quiet about
11:00 Read another chapter of 'American History, 1776-1976', so I know all about this strange foreign country. What them Americans were doing electing me is more than I know, unless they wanted a token yes-man to replace that chimp George, though even a token would have done more than me by now. When I talked to Bill last year he told me I was quickly making the Democrats unelectable, and might be the last Democrat President unless I got on and did things
12:00 Get bored with the American history book, and read my favorite children's book, 'How A Token Won The West', by Ted Kenndeady: 'Once upon a time a young lawyer with no real life experience or knowledge of the world became president of a country he had never heard of until he was fourteen.
He spoke gravely and pointed and smiled and traveled round the world, pointing and smiling, and was much admired by his wife. But one day the people asked him why he was president, and he didn't know what to say - so he disappeared to travel round the world again.
And he lived happily ever after, while his people continued to be conned by people in far off lands to go and fight for them and to give them free weapons. The End.'