Written by W.P. Wonder
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Monday, 26 October 2009

image for Oddly named quarterback's odd affliction keeps team from winning. Damn it, not that kind of "football," the other one!

Woe be unto the Rams, American football's St. Louis Rams, that is. Seven games played, seven games lost. So bad is the team, it's been outscored by a whopping 151 points, 211 to 60! What the hell is going on? What could be derailing this team's efforts to be competitive?

Well, start with one of the organization's prominent players, and look no farther. It's hard enough for any team in the NFL to get across the goal line and score, but imagine having an offensive team leader named Marc (without a "k," whoo, la dee da) who unabashedly suffers from priapism! His constant arousal can only lead to constant distraction, I would think. I mean, what the hell is wrong with the coach? Why would he let a guy people call "bulger" run his offense? "Bulger"!? As in, "Hey fellows, my package is throbbing so bad, it's bulging against my jock strap. It's like I'm O.D.'ing on Viagra, and it ain't doing nothing for my sex life!" The Rams are going to go 0-16, unless they bench this bizarro -- or shove some ice down his pants. And as for that other quarterback in Dallas . . . .

Late bulletin, just in.

Correction, I repeat, correction:

"Bulger" is not his nickname, I've just learned, but his actual surname. And it has nothing to do with phallic disorder, but is derived from the Old French "boulge," which has something or another to do with leather bags or wallets.

. . . !?

Oh, well, there's go my theory as to why the Rams are so horrible. Maybe I ought try watching a game or two, get an empirical feel for what's going wrong. And I guess if it stands to prove if I'm wrong here, it will probably mean I'm wrong about Tony Romo of the Cowboys. I guess his last name probably is something he got at birth, and has nothing to do with a predilection for Eternal City homosexuals.

Does it!?

Entry posted by freelancer Jacques Strawp, the NFL's number one athletic supporter.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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