The Rabbi Comes to Town
Bordello Falls continues to "grow like Topsy!" There must be at least 1,500 residents, counting the permanent residents, cows, sheep, cow hands, transient miners, roadrunners and banditos. There are new Protestant denomination churches and public schools, gambling houses, some hotels, stables and new brothels in addition to the Apache Oasis Bordello.
Colonel Juan and a few other surviving "Little bighorn" US Army Seventh Cavalry veterans are now resident in town. There is also the new "Garryowen" Catholic Church, including a Bingo game every Wednesday night. Pretty soon the town will probably have sidewalks.
The town elders are trying to cope with that new fangled invention indoor plumbing (it really did raise quite a stink), running water and sewage. Railroad man Chisum Morse is planning for additional "Morse" telegraph lines and another new invention called the "Bell telephone." A resident named Monkey Woods has donated money for a town Zoo.
The kids get all dressed up on Sunday and have no place to go after church. "Cow tipping" is their favorite sport employing the few available steers around town. The mayor and the city council are trying to get the saloon owners to "pony up" some cash for education and recreation centers (no night basketball) or they are threatening to raise property taxes or institute a lottery.
Sheriff Skoobinski has crime under control, except for the saloon brawls, but he has banned carrying six guns (gun control) in town on Saturday nights.
Donkey Sally (Salvadore Hightower) and Ms. Bigtits are upstairs in a room of the Apache Oasis Bordello going at it real hot and heavy. While Sally was black, rumors of his being Gay are greatly exaggerated. Although Sally did swing both ways occasionally, he could not resist Ms. Bigtits boobs smothering him in ecstasy. Remember his member was larger than a cucumber, some even said a banana squash!
Sally rolled over and stared at the ceiling for a few minutes thinking about his Portuguese fisherman's lineage. Sally confides to Ms. Bigtits about his Jewish ancestors and misses those Portuguese Jewish fish dishes, being in the middle of the Arizona desert. He also wants to get out of his current evil line of work and have the size of his member reduced. Then I can "sit a horse" the normal way. Ms. Bigtits has an incredibly horrible look on her face.
Sally goes on about settling down to raise a family, running for mayor of Bordello Falls and wanting to double the population size, thus needing a new influx of permanent residents. That is, other than transient miners, saloon keepers, prostitutes, dance hall girls and vagabond cow hands.
Sally describes a news story in the Three Penny Gazette entitled "Blazing Saddles," a story about the old west that in passing mentions Jewish Indians. Old western towns always accepted Jews who migrated from the Eastern states, wearing Levi jeans, to such places as Phoenix AZ, Tucson AZ, Deadwood SD, Dodge City KS, Denver CO and Los Angeles CA.
Here in Bordello Falls the mayor, some of the local merchants such as haberdashers, ordinary citizens and the late brother in law of Wyatt Earp, Deputy Sheriff Slim Pickens are Jewish (Josephine Marcus's brother). Even the Boot hill cemetery, like Tombstone's, has a Jewish northeast corner. Sally further expounds that this town requires more Jewish doctors, lawyers, scientists, computer engineers and comedians, before it disappears.
Buck and Diablo were downstairs drinking Tequila Sunrises (with little umbrellas) in the bar of the Apache Oasis Bordello with Madame Bitters and Sheriff Skoobinski. Sally came down from upstairs and imparted his conversational musings with Ms. Bigtits to all at the table.
Buck became "flaming!" What, no more bacon, this is a cow and mining town and don't you ever forget it. What next Muslims? Madame Bitters retorts, but Buck, Bordello Falls won't always be prosperous, when the Silver ore and the miners "peter out." This part of Arizona is no place to raise steers and there would never be any swine flu to worry about again. You don't think tourists are going to trek out by railroad to this forgotten part of the arid Sonora desert, do you?
Just at that moment there was a clatter of multiple hoof beats in the street outside. As providence would have it, the noon stage arrived from Tombstone AZ. Retired Marshal Bat Masterson from West Virginia steps down from the stage coach, sporting two rather large Colt 45 caliber Peacemaker six guns, strapped to his hips. Bat (no relation to that other western lawman) enters the Apache Oasis Bordello bar to get a couple of shots of whiskey to wash the dust out of his throat.
Sally notices a copy of the Three Penny Gazette, opened to a news story entitled "The Frisco Kid," under the strangers arm. The story is about unsavory characters that a Rabbi travelling to San Francisco CA may have to contend with. Sally walks over and asks why the stranger is in town.
Bat explains he stopped here in Bordello Falls, as a professional courtesy, one lawman to another. I heard by telegraph that Wyatt Earp's wife had lost her brother Deputy Pickens (A.K.A Marcus) in a gun fight and there was no Rabbi in Bordello Falls to officiate at the funeral.
Sally looks confused, as he knows that there is no Rabbi in town, and wonders what could Bat do. Bat indicates that he was once known as Rabbi Philbert before getting into the outlaw chasing business, pursuing Frankie the Virginian. He is en route to San Francisco, where he is to be a Jewish congregation's new spiritual advisor and teacher. But, after reading the Three Penny Gazette article, he wants to retire to a quieter town.
Sally confides that, you really don't look Jewish! He then tells Rabbi Philbert about his idea to grow the town's population with Jewish doctors, lawyers, scientists, computer engineers and comedians. By this time its 5:00 PM and Sally says he is hungry and we can continue the conversation over dinner.
They go down the main street to O'Hulahan and Schwartz's Chinese Restaurant where you get all the beer you can drink with dinner. O & S specializes in Chinese food, as there are lots of Chinese people in town. They also do Irish specialties, such as Corn beef and Cabbage, for church Bingo night. A bowl of their New Mexico or is it Texas hot chili with beans, now and then, is awesome. Sally mutters, someday those beans are going to cause a global warming problem, but we still can't get a decent Italian style Pizza or Calzone! Rabbi Philbert says, just wait a few years!
Rabbi Philbert continues telling Sally that all immigrants to the USA, including Jews, have been moving west since the American Revolution of 1776. Now in the 1880's they come from Eastern Europe and Russia because of Pogroms. As Bordello Falls' new Rabbi, I could bring some of them here!
Rabbi Philbert continues, when these ordinary hard working people come they will be coming by railroad with little more than the clothes on their backs. Bordello Falls would have to allot or sell land to them for building a Shul (Synagogue) and building a Mikva (ritual bath) for the Orthodox. Sally chuckles, you mean like the Roman Baths at Bath in the United Kingdom, that Sheriff Skoobinski talks about. Yes, but without the sex orgies.
There will be new jobs, businesses and farms. O & S will add to their menu Portuguese Carne de porco a alentejana (without the pork and shellfish), bagels, smoked Salmon (Lox), pickled herring, chopped liver and Pastrami. The Apache Oasis Bordello and the other saloons will now also serve Slivovitz, Vodka and Manischewitz wines.
Rabbi Philbert tells Sally that eventually after a lot of "begatting," there will be lots of Jewish doctors, lawyers, scientists, computer engineers and comedians in Bordello Falls. There will also be Bar Mitzvahs, weddings, the catering business, Kosher delicatessens, convention centers, new hotels (for visiting relatives), shopping malls and even Republicans. Some day there will be Indian Gambling Casinos, but that's a story for another day.
Sally asks Rabbi Philbert about his other big problem. My Brother Rabbi Peanut the Moil (performs circumcisions) can peel your banana squash and make you a new man. He never fails, no matter how big the job.
Rabbi Philbert indicates that if the Bordello Falls mayor, city council and Jewish residents are amenable to his proposition send me a telegram. I am taking the next stage coach to Sierra Vista AZ, a town near the Army Cavalry base at Fort Huachuca, to visit a man who consumes Jalapeño peppers.
A few days later the Bordello Falls Enquirer ran a front page headline, "The Russians are Coming, The Russians are Coming." The associate editor Mark Lowton remarks, darn we did it again with a news scoop that is about a century too early.
Recap: Chapter 7. . ./link]