Hello children, and American voters, welcome to my book, The Barack Obama Children's Alphabet Encyclopedia, by Barack Hussein Obama. Just read this book and you too will be at last be able to understand CNN news like the grown-ups do, and hey, you might learn some speling out of it!
A is for Afghanistan
An ancient country near Israel, full of Muslims with beards, and a place that heroic American troops are trying to rescue from their sinful selves, and all out of the goodness of their hearts.
Crops: 95% of the world's opium. Previous rulers: none. Previous failed invaders: Greece, under Alexander the Great, Great Britain, at its mightiest, Soviet Union, at its near mightiest. Amateur US soldiers who can't win wars might be in a bit of trouble there, then, so let's forget about that one and move on to -
B is for Black
The color of human skin is either black or white or somewhere in between, and only racists go on and on and on and on about it, to hide their inadequacies. Which is why I go on and on and on and on about it. OK, where's C?
C is for Christian
The previous President to me was a good Christian, and so promptly declared war on Iraq and Afghanistan and armed Israel, leading to hundreds of thousands of deaths across the Middle East. Hmm, something doesn't add up there, does it? Oh well, let's just forget all about that one, tum tee tum ...
D is for Death
See C. Not something you want to know about, boys and girls and US taxpayers, put the cartoons or Fox News on until we get to the next letter. Same difference.
E is for Evil
Tricky one, kids. If a nation mistreats people, kills them, bombs, shoots and tortures them, then if that nation is called 'Israel' or 'Chile' or 'Iraq' or 'Russia' it isn't evil, oh no, because we all close our eyes and ears to what's happening so that our mommies' and daddies' investments in those countries will go up.
But if that nation doesn't kill, bomb, shoot or torture people, but merely sensibly curbs freedoms for the good of all its struggling citizens, then it is EVIL, and we will bomb it and try and destroy it! See Cuba, Libya, Vietnam, and any country that refuses to sell its soul for US dollars.
F is for Freedom
Ah, we're on safe ground now. Freedom, my people, is what makes America great. The freedom to deny most America citizens basic, decent health care, and the freedom for little children to buy submachine guns to massacre anyone they want to. Er, hold on, look, who writes this crap? Reckon my girls have been horsin' around with my computer again. Michelle! Jeez, let's get on to G.
G is for Guantanamo
American concentration camp in Cuba, proving that freedom is the American way. Well, you know what I mean. Ok, ok, OK!
H is for Hotdogs
Like hamburgers and fries, an all-American invention that makes me wish every day was the 4th. of July. Oh, hi, Michelle, what took ya so long? Whatcha mean, hamburgers and fries and hotdogs are all European inventions? Man, this book is beginning to make me angry!
I is for International
Meaning lots of different cultures and languages and nations and histories. Which you'll never hear about in American schools or on American news, though Americans are only a small and unimportant fraction of the world's population. Dunno if I can keep on reading this book much longer.
J is for Justice
Hahaha! I mean, ahem, yessir, the fine American idea of justice, meaning wanted terrorists and war criminals like Gerry Adams and Wehrner von Braun are allowed into America gladly. I expect all the British and Jewish people those two killed just love American justice dearly!
I sure love America, it's the only country in the world that a bullshitting, waffling nobody like me becomes important, I'd be thrown out of a British kindergarten talking the pish I do! Oops ...
K is for Krusty the Klown
43rd. President of the USA, Krusty was a talentless, alcoholic clown who made a living out of tripping over things and talking gibberish, and generally making people laugh. Hi, George! The mightiest country in the world? That elects Krusty the Klown?!! Unbelievable!
L is for Lindberg
A fine, all-American hero that pioneered aviation, Charles Lindberg was also a Nazi. Shit! So were Henry T. Ford and Joseph Kennedy. Hey, the Kennedys couldn't have been Nazis, I've gone and based myself on JFK! Dang! Better edit this stuff out for the thickos in America who might burst into tears reading this.
Walt Disney, another Nazi ... OK, this is getting outta hand! Millions of Americans funded the Nazi Party, and don't forget, refused to fight the Nazis until Japan attacked Pearl Harbor in 1941, and still didn't fight the Nazis for another three years after that.
I hear one heck of a big thank you comin' all the way across the Atlantic from those Brits that fought Germany on their own from 1939-1944! And those Canadians, Australians, New Zealanders and South Africans that helped them. Anyone would think Americans were cowards, ha ha ha ha! Er ...
M is for Michelle
'Michelle, my belle, rum tee tumty tum tee tumty well, my Michelle. I -' OK, darling, I'll keep it down a bit. Ahem. Well, what sort of man gets bossed about by his wife and goes on about gay rights and race and stands in a glass box like some sort of model with an ego problem? An American man, obviously, Ok. Let's hurry this thing up.
N is for Nuclear warheads
Kinda ruins all the 'terrorist alerts' and scaremongering the US government keeps going on about, doesn't it? Can hardly see a bunch of bearded bandits in the Middle East defeating the mighty, nuclear weapon-owning USA, can you? Oh, they are ... Time for O. Hope this book ends soon, it's getting embarrassing.
O is for Opposition
Something that once existed in America, now extinct. It doesn't matter who you vote for as President or Senator, the government just carries on doing the same thing it wants anyway, like a dictatorship. See W.
P is for Preacher
Let me tell you that a preacher is someone who I have, indeed, modeled myself on. We can now stand firmly and wholeheartedly together and sound, if we wish, like a 17th. century minister in The Little House of the Prairie, pausing dra - matically, using that silly, grave, apple pie voice, letting no - OK, Michelle, I won't be much longer, sweetest!
We's got some folks comin' round for dinner with the name of von Braun. Shucks, let's hope they're not Jewish, coz Michelle's cookin' up some pigs' trotters and sour kraut! Must polish up my preacher act for the idiots that voted for me. Is this the last letter?
Q is for Quit while you're ahead
No idea what that's supposed to mean. Unless it's when someone is put in a job because he's promised to change lots of things then doesn't change them, and should quit while people still see him as a good guy. I guess. Hurry up, I have some idiots waiting to vote for me.
R is for Riting English Proper
After 233 years of 'independence', American have still to learn to spell English correctly. And still have yet to win a war. And still elect transparent clowns and believe in flags and national anthems. What a joke! Wonder if I can spend the winter in Kenya?
S is for Senate
A kind of children's play school in Washington DC, where lots of big boys and girls play at being politicians and pretending to do things. Well, heck, Ted Kennedy spent 40 years there doing nothing at all, same with John McCain, and in fact all Senators do nothing there at all, though some get out for school trips abroad like Hillary Clinton, the Vampire of Pennsylvania Avenue. A nice cheap way of conning Americans into voting.
T is for Texas
Texas is a republic, not a state, so my Mom told me while I was learning how to be an American without actually having visited America yet, and despite me not actually being an American. It's full of oil wells and cowboys and Bushes, and is just the kinda rootin', tootin', hornswigglin' John Wayney sorta place where an American man can be an American man, and try and forget that he's really a Kenyan one.
U is for Underachievement
Funnily enough, what my stars said on the day I was elected as President. Dunno why ...
V is for V2 Rockets
Nice toys that our friends the von Brauns invented, to send to England as Christmas presents for 30,000 people in the London area alone! Sure helped them sleep soundly after that, so we invited the von Brauns to America and shit, they're here for dinner soon, so's best hurry up with this!
George laughed and told me they're temmerrorists, but I've never understood a word he's talkin' about! Apparently the USA has been firing endless rocket bombs and unmanned explosive planes into Pakistan, according to the Brit news, but as if the USA would ever use such evil terrorism against civilian people!
Er, how many more frigging letters are there? And when will those dang-blasted Limeys stop makin' fun of what are essentially the funniest - I mean mightiest people in our own imaginations.
W is for War
No matter what the people or the Senate or even the President wants, wars involving Americans just carry on happening, almost like the President and the Senate and the people have no power at all, and no power to stop those wars.
Just look at me, already going back on my promise to get the troops out of Iraq! If you travel outside of America like I have you find that Americans are seen as hopeless at fighting wars, and are also laughed at for making such a lot of noise about being 'mighty'.
But, boys and girls, keep watching cartoons and Fox News and don't go outside of America, and listen to your mommies and daddies saying America 'saved' Britain and Europe in two World Wars, and you'll become yet another deluded generation of uneducated American idiots. Oh, and forget Vietnam, Cuba, Grenada, Iraq, Afghanistan, they don't fit in with the delusions.
X is for Xylofone
Well, shit, an American high school education equals a 5 year-old one's in Europe, so this is the only word you'll have heard of that begins with 'X'. Though I suspect millions of Americans now know what 'xenophobia' means, even if they can't spell it, thanks to the CIA sending two jets into the center of New York City in 2001 and Americans educated by American schools never noticing it was their own government doing it. Lucky only children are reading this, or I might be in trouble with the people that really rule America! It sure ain't me.
Y is for Yes We Can!
Meaningless, dumb catchphrase for tiny children, and for millions of adult American voters who need such crap. Similar to 'read my lips', 'four more years', 'Yanks go home', and 'One man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter'. Just ask Gerry Adams. Don't ask Fidel Castro.
Z is for Zyclon B
Iffy one to end this, I'm afraid, children. Zyclon B was a poisonous gas manufactured by German chemical firm IG Farben in the 1930s and 40s, and was altered to remove its smell that warned humans it was about, at the request of the Nazis. So it could be used on humans.
Snag for me is that Farben was heavily funded by American money. You know, it's almost as if all that freedom/democracy/American way of life stuff is complete and utter bullshit, when Americans have funded the Nazis, the IRA, the Israelis and Latin American death squads; they've set up concentration camps;
they've invaded Iraq and Afghanistan illegally (and still can't do it right, and will eventually have to leave, defeated again); they've supported genocide in Israel and Lebanon; and they still believe their own propaganda and bullshit, like Americans are in Iraq 'for democracy'! Not even a child would believe that crap anywhere else but the US of A.
I'm beginning to look forward to the end of my term, kids, the more I think about it the more I realise Americans have become the world's worst terrorists and open supporters of fascism and murder, and all for money. No wonder the Muslim world calls America 'the great Satan'!
And its own 'democracy' is now a joke too, rigged elections, tokens like me, idiots like Reagan and Bush. Maybe England might be a place to move to after all this - as long as that insufferable slimy git Nick Griffin's been sorted out by then, of course!
Hey, I'm starting to sound like a Brit! Well, at least Brits know how to win wars, have democracy, and know how to run other countries properly without carpet-bombing them. Michelle!
We're orf to London again, gel, tell the von Brahns they'll 'ave to lump it, we've gort a date at the Kennington Inn darts match wiv Eric Bristow and Feel Taylah. You can look pretty and serve up the Vera Lynns be'ind the bar, then it's orf to the Maharajah for a ruby followed by a technicolour yawn in the khazi, and inventing a 500 year-old world empire before lunchtime the next day!
I'm changing Y to Y is for Yanks - overpaid, overdumb, and the only people in the world who believe their own government's total and utter bullshit. Which is why I was elected President of that country. Might as well have been a hamburger elected, for all the difference it makes to anyone.
Lucky us Americans have a flag and national anthem to believe in, heck, only dumb children would hang on to a song and a piece of cloth for over 200 years, like they're scared of the dark or something! Which makes 250 million Americans ... er ...