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Friday, 23 October 2009

Tissue manufacturers are becoming increasingly concerned over the spread of a fungus apparently living off tissue paper which has been found in batches of tissues and toilet paper rolls across the globe.

Once the fungus gets inside the pack of tissue it starts to make the tissue its home while travelling around the world for its customer. During this time it absorbs goodness in the tissue and its deposits remain in the tissue which then spread. Eventually a 'chunk' of tissues or roll will be so weak it will 'crumble like biscuits'.

One consumer in the USA got the shock of his life with a pack of toilet rolls he opened when he noticed some of them were puffed up like a sponge in places and when he felt it the tissue went like confetti and the roll was not fit for purpose. He thought maybe some damp had got in and it was a one-off but after getting several other packs containing rolls like this he decided to complain.

The fungus, identified as 'Subgenus Hibernating In Tissue' or 'SHIT' is a common fungus and will be known as 'Fungus T' since its other name might be a bit offensive.

Lynne Vee, speaking on behalf of Mai Steg Light Relief Products in an area of the UK Fens known for its bog land said that it appears to have been caused by a fungus which has made its way into the production process which resides within the tissue and eventually expands, and nothing to do with damp getting into the products. They have investigators looking at how the fungus made its way in and a report will be issued with a big 'T' in the shape of a mushroom for other manufacturers to be made aware of the threats as the company would like to absorb the problem and don't want to let the problem mushroom out of all proportions.

"Customers have not been too happy after using the toilet" said the managing director Mr. Peter Blot. "We are asking all customers to check before going and if they come across anything with regard to this fungus please take it back to where they purchased it and get a replacement or a full refund. It is sometimes useful to carry some Handy Andys around with you in case this happens."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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