Written by Madame Bitters
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Friday, 23 October 2009

image for Madame Bitters Is Ready to Give You Advice! You don't need to let it get to this point-- just ask Madame Bitters!

Hello, all:

If you've been paying attention, you may have noticed that I've been absent from my advice column for well over 6 months.

What can I say? I've been exploring other projects and growing as a writer.

What, did you thing I was going to say I was sorry?

Do you even know me?

If you do know me (and if you don't, you really should) then you'd know that I never use the 's-word'.

When I say 's-word',I don't mean 'shit'. 'Shit' is one of my favorite words and my vocabulary would suffer if I chose not to use it.

No, I mean that other 's-word' I mentioned 2 paragraphs ago. I refuse to say it- ever!

I didn't say it when I ran over that woman who was standing in the road as she frantically waved her arms at me.

I didn't say it to the busload of pre-schoolers who watched as I mowed the woman down not 5 feet from where they sat, which was in the aforementioned bus that was also hanging over a cliff. And on fire.

I didn't even say as the children cried hysterically.

I did, however, have to use the dreaded 's-word' in court while I testified in front of a jury of my peers and the angry families of the woman and the pre-schoolers.

This was under duress though, and I'm not proud of it.

Let me get back to my orginal point: I'm back, and am argueably better than ever. Unfortunately, my readership has sagged somewhat.

I just wanted to take this opportunity to invite readers to write me for advice in my syndicated column on The Spoof.

Let me help you to help me. The best part for you, reader, is that the relaying of my advice to you is 100% free. I'm paid by the administrator, Mark Lowton, in foreign lottery tickets.

So don't wait for your next appointment with that $200 an hour psychologist. Ask Madame Bitters for help, and you'll get exactly what you paid for:

My advice.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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