Written by matwil
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Thursday, 22 October 2009

image for 'Jenson and Black Bernie's Treasure', by Herge There be gold in them thar lack of thrills

As Captain Pitstop started his eighth Irish whiskey of the day in the Mansell Monkey bar in downtown Kuala Lumpur, his friend Jenson walked in with his dog Kimi. 'Ah, Cap'n', he said, 'come quick. There's trouble afoot!', and the Captain sighed. 'When I've finished thish drink', he said, but Jenson insisted.

'It's Black Bernie Ecclescake and his evil men, they've taken over the island of Grand Prix!' 'But that'sh where we're going next week for a holiday, we can't let thoshe lily-livered poltroons take over our favourite island! Let's go!', and pausing merely to grab a bottle of Old Paddy's Whacked whiskey, the Captain left with Jenson and Kimi, and they quickly went to the harbour and hired an ocean-going speedboat.

Soon they were roaring across the waves to Grand Prix, and they made landfall not long afterwards. 'Wait!', shouted Jenson to Captain Pitstop, who was already on shore and striding up the beach, 'you've exceeded the landing speed!', and he produced a red flag from his pockets and waved it at Pitstop. 'Curses!', groaned the Captain, going back to the boat and waiting 20 seconds. 'OK', Jenson said, 'we can go now. But at half speed for 100 yards', and they slowly paced up the beach.

Then they began walking normally along a wide path, but Jenson and Kimi were going too slowly for Pitstop and he tried to pass them, but found that specially built-in narrowings of the path and sudden corners meant that he couldn't get past.

'Blistering barnacles!', he shouted, 'we'll take forever to get to wherever Black Bernie and his men are. Why can't we go a bit faster?' 'Because of health and safety regulations', Jenson replied, when suddenly a pirate leapt out in front of them. 'Slow down again!', he shouted, 'you must slow down again!'

'Why?', Jenson asked him, and the pirate answered 'Because I'm the safety pirate', and Jenson and Pitstop and Kimi slowed to a crawling pace, with the pirate leading them along the path. 'Nice day for it', he said over his shoulder to the adventurers, 'though I think it may start to rain soon.'

'Oh no!', gasped Jenson, 'now we'll have to pull over under those trees there and change into our wet weather shoes. Come on!', and soon he and the Captain were changing them, while Kimi curled up philosophically and went to sleep. 'Right, off we go again!', said Jenson, but not before the pirate reminded them to go at half speed for 100 yards, then they were all walking normally once more.

'Where is Black Bernie?', Captain Pitstop asked the pirate, for he was getting very fed up with this total lack of adventure, and was starting to take quick swigs from his bottle. 'You'll meet him soon', the pirate told him, and the four of them trudged on mile after mile, apart from stopping to change into dry footwear again, when Jenson suddenly stopped.

'Look', he said, 'aren't we just going round and round in circles here? I mean, I've passed that money tree twelve times already.' 'Yes', Captain Pitstop agreed, 'at this rate we'll all die of boredom before we ever meet Black Bernie.' But at that moment the path turned into a clearing, and there at last was Black Bernie Ecclescake and his merry pirate men, sitting around eating caviar and drinking champagne.

'SO!!!!!!', thundered Ecclescake, 'at last we meet, Jenson, Kimi and Pitstop!' 'We are here to take back the island of Grand Prix!', Jenson bravely said, 'it is the island that everyone loves, with its thrills and its dangers and, er, thrills, and we won't let you turn it into the most boring place in the world!'

'Ah, but you will', Black Bernie said, 'Black and White O'Token, fetch the treasure box!', and one of the evil pirates brought over a huge box full of gold, pearls, uranium and Manchester United shares. 'Take what you will, Jenson', Bernie said, 'for you know that you cannot escape.

'I have taken over Grand Prix, so you may as well get rich out of going round and round in circles on your holidays here. Otherwise I'll throw you to the media sharks and simply find another mug to go round and round in circles on this island. Or mugs.'

And Jenson knew he was defeated, and reluctantly accepted huge handfuls of gold, pearls, uranium and Man U shares, and Captain Pitstop accepted a bottle of rum from Black and White O'Token, and everything was settled. Except Kimi the dog suddenly started yapping, and grabbed Jenson's sleeve.

'What is it, Kimi?', Jenson asked his dog, for he knew that his dog would never let him down. 'Why are you trying to get me away from Black Bernie and Grand Prix, and all these nice pearls and gold and plutonium?', so Kimi gave up and went back to sleep, along with anyone else watching this all happening on TV.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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