Written by Frank Miller

Thursday, 22 October 2009

I'm getting angry, now where's my dildo?

Why am I angry?

If you ask yourself this question, have a think - could you have recently been exposed to the 'bad' number?

Remember when Sudoku was all the rage a few years back? Notice now how it's all not the rage?

In 2005 a government research team found that people who played excessive Sudoku on their morning train commute were subjected to prolonged exposure to the 'bad' number; people went insane and began attacking other commuters with briefcases, back packs, raw steak and big rubber dildos.

It was found that the 'bad' number was also responsible for other incidents. When the 'bad' number appears in particular date (I'm not going to tell you a date containing the 'bad' number since it contains the 'bad' number, you could go mad) car accidents, violent keyboard assaults in the office and farm animal rioting cases go up 250357 percent. Imagine that in cake.

If you had one cake per day and were then forced to eat 250357 cakes, that's quite an increase, you'd be a fat bastard. Or is it Basterd?

I digress.

Chillingly, if you multiply 250357 by the 'bad' number and then substitute the resulting digits with their corresponding alphabet letters, it spells out this.

K-I-L-L-T-H-E-N-E-A-R-E-S-T-P-E-R-S-O-N-W-I-T-H-A-D-I-L-D-O

But don't work it out because the exposure to the 'bad' number will actually send you bonkers and you may kill the nearest person with a dildo; big, rubber or otherwise.

Anyway, back to Sudoku. People in trains were getting too much exposure to the 'bad' number and simply going nuts. So the government secretly had special dumb gas pumped into the trains via the air conditioning.

Unfortunately, the effect of the gas was permanent and these sad people are now suffering from terminal dumbness.

Commuting Soduko lovers (now of sudden low intelligence) quit suduko and opted for having loud conversations with each other about an argument they had last night and how they nearly threw the other person out the fucking window, you get me, init?

Also by playing their iPods too loud and loudly tapping their fingernails on their iPod. And then singing out loud to music on the iPod. And then looking around at people with a 'What the fuck are you looking at?' expression on their face.

Or by talking loudly on their mobile phones saying, 'Yeah, Yeah, Yeah. Mmmmm. Well I said that didn't I. I told him... Yeah, yeah...well I told..., Yeah, I, I, I, yeah yeah, well I told him...'.

On my daily train commute, surrounded by all of the above, all I could think of was to play Sudoku on my Blackberry to take my mind of it. So I played. One hand on my Blackberry and the other on the big rubber dildo I carry around with me.

So, why am I angry?

Thanks for listening.

Frank Miller

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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