Welcome To Bordello Falls - Home of the All-You-Can-Eat Tortilla Soup Buffet
The twin hombres Buck and Diablo Poontang Pissgums were as happy as a couple of woodpeckers in a lumber yard to finally arrive at Bordello Falls.
For the past three miles all Diablo Poontang had heard was brother Buck saying how much he was sure hankerin' to get himself a shave, a bath, and a local whore; and not necessarily in that order.
Diablo told him that it sure did sound mighty good. But he quickly added that this time he wanted his own whore and he was not going to go for that two-for-the-price-of-one deal like Diablo and that can-can dancer up in Wichita had cooked up.
As they reached the far side of town, which is on your left, my right, the brothers noticed a big sign stretched out across main street, which had recently been renamed Have Gun Will Travel Street in honor of Richard Boone.
The sign read: The Town of Bordello Falls Welcomes Y'all To Our 7th Annual Founder's Day Celebration Fandango
Buck and Diablo pulled up to the hitching post and tied up their Siamese horses Pete and Re-Pete. They pushed the saloon doors open, walked in, headed towards the bar and said "Howdy stranger" to the bartender.
The bartender shot them a cold look. "Are you two fellas drunk or what?"
Buck answered, "Nope, but we sure nuff do reckon on gettin' there in the not-too-distant future, sometime pert near after sundown a spell."
The bartender, an Irishman named Cassidy McDooley, asked them where the hell they had learned to talk that way, Denver or what?
He poured them each a shot of La Senora Loca Tequila and told them that he thought that they may be drunk already because this was him hometown and he was not a stranger whereas since they had just ridden in to town they were the strangers.
Buck looked at Diablo and said that it made perfect sense to him.
At the table right behind where the brothers stood sat four of the local menfolk. They were playing a game of Poker in the Rear Poker.
One of the locals was "Big Sam" Dirtwater, the local blacksmith and owner of Pistolita, who many of the townfolk regarded as the prettiest horse in the whole county.
Next to him sat "Big Tex" Frickwood, the local bounty hunter and a man who had been credited with bringing in such notorious outlaws as The Grand Canyon Kid, Pecos Pablo and The Guacamole Gang, and The Walla Walla Kid, aka Walla Walla Wally.
Beside him sat "Big Rex" Underside, owner of Underside's Corral Construction Company & Horse Rental. Underside had once been married to Dancing Star, the youngest daughter of Kickapoo Chief Rocking Horse.
Underside said that he really loved Dancing Star, but last Valentine's Day she ran off with a teepee-to-teepee wigwam repairman.
And next to "Big Rex" sat "Big Big Toby" Baytacky, the local chicken farmer, and the only black resident of Bordello Falls.
"BBT" had first come to Bordello Falls two years ago when he was on his way back home to Atlanta from a chicken plucking contest that was held at The La Brea Tar Pits in California.
"Big Tex" looked over at Buck and asked "Hey, what in the blue blazes brings y'all two, or one, or whatever y'all is down to this neck of the woods?"
Buck burped and replied "Me and my brother here, rode into this one-horse town on our Siamese horses Pete and Re-Pete."
"Big Tex" started laughing. "Say y'all ain't city slickers is ya? Cause we don't cotton to city slickers."
"Hell no we ain't no stinkin' city slickers. We are genuine cowpokes. We have cow shit on our boots, horse shit on our blue jeans, and chicken shit in our underwear.
We sleep under the stars, we shoot our own food, and we like our women loose, quasi-pretty, and somewhat on the fat side."
"Big Tex" smiled and said, "Okay, let me make a few corrections here. First of all Buckster, Bordello Falls ain't a one-horse town. We have probably about, let me see here, three plus two, carry your six, add one...yeah we got's us about 27 horses and that ain't counting geldings cause you know geldings have been 'de-nutted.'
Secondly, I really do not believe for one second that you have Siamese horses. I think that what you fellas probably did was take two horses that look pretty much alike and either you had them crazy-glued or else you crazy-glued them yourselves.
Thirdly, why in the hell would anyone want to shoot a plate of perfectly good food?
And fourthly, if you hombres is looking for quasi-pretty looking women I suggest you mosey on out of Bordello Falls and ride on over to Vultureville, Heifer Lips Pass, or Chichona Hills.
"Why?" Diablo asked.
"Because all of the women in Bordello Falls are kind of a little on the Chupacabra-looking side, if you get my ever-so-subtle drift amigos."
"Me too, Gotcha."
Buck finished his glass of La Senora Loca Tequila and asked the barkeep to pour him another. He noticed that Diablo had gone off and was sitting at a corner table with a 200 plus pound gal on his lap.
Buck walked over and asked Diablo how he was doing. He looked up and said that he had found him the woman of his dreams. Buck bent down to get a better look at Diablo's honey.
"Damn!" He shouted.
"What the hell's the matter bro?" Diablo asked.
"Well, I ain't one to criticize nobody's girl, but damn, I sure do hope that the bitch can cook, if you know where the hell I be comin' from."
Buck told Diablo that he was going to run down to the bathhouse and get him a bath and that he would return after a while.