After the UK government had already admitted that the Libyan 'bomber' was only released to ensure that trade with oil-rich Libya didn't suffer, and to ensure a forthcoming deal between Britain and Tripoli went ahead as planned, Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond took a huge dose of hallucogenic drugs just before his key speech at the SNP conference today, and then said this:
I was recently visited by Mahatma Gandhi's ghost, and man, he looked white as a sheet and like he'd been on a Slimslow diet for the last 50 years! 'Get some tatties and mince intae ye, ya skinny wee shite!', I told him, 'try these white pudding suppers, that'll put hairs on yer chest!'
But do you know what he said to me, ladies, gentlemen and librarians? Neither do I. But I know this - when King Kenny Doolallyville the Third released the all important Thunderball balls to go back to their rightful place in Libya, it was as if the sun came out from behind the clouds, the birds started singing, and the squirrels started doing whatever the f*** squirrels do, the bastards, and, er, it was the noblest gesture of all.
Nobody can say it was the London government that decided to release al-Caponi, though it was, and nobody can say it happened simply to keep an oil of Ole deal going between Britain and Triple E, though it did.
No way, Jose Carreras! When oil was discovered in Scottish waters in the 1960s it was Scotland's oil, so it went straight to England, and the SNP showed how important it is in Scotland by doing nothing to stop that. I was there, in my yellow submarine shouting 'Give us our oil back, ya Sassenach bams!' under enemy bribes, but the swine drank it all anyway.
Then at last, in 1979, an independence referendum was held here, in this very place, yes, in the land of oil and white pudding suppers and duck billed platypi flying past my head, and it looked as if the 'Yes' vote was going to win.
So the bams changed the rules, so that two thirds had to be 'Yes' for full incy wincy pendence to be granted, but it still looked like Scotland was heading for independers. So, with a week to go, there was only one thing for the SNP to do - to change sides and tell the people of Scotland to vote 'No'!
Can you believe those treacherous, lying SNP schweinhunds!! And they've got the nervous nerve to stand up now, when London releases al-Bowly to make an oil deal with Libya, and try and waffle pish about (a) Scotland having anything to do with the decision to release the Libyan, (b) it having nothing to do with an oil deal between the UK and Libya, and
(c) Kenny Doolally not being about as nauseating as I am. And (d), Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Saint Francis and Bob Geldof all standing up, and saying as one: 'Salmond, you're off your trolley, you fish-faced heap of steaming shite! Now away and sleep it off somewhere.'
So, Bravehearts and Hearts won last week, we must now look towards 2010, and hope the Pirelli calendars will be up to scratch then. And we must take a long cool look at this sceptic Scottish isle. I was talking to Saint Francis of Brum last Monday, and he didnae ken what I was taking about, and ladies and chipmunkarians I agree with them.
King Kenny McAllister DID score that penalty against England in the European Championships in London, it WAS the SNP who ended the Vietnam War, and the Scottish Parliament really, REALLY matters, which is why it has yet to pass a single law in its existence, because it isn't allowed to. What a joke!
Imagine getting a load of sheepshagging gits like me and paying them millions to talk crap about Libya and whatever the first thing that comes into our diseased brains, Holyrood might as well be renamed the House Where Enid Blyton Lives.
Oh shite, it would be more relevant to Scotland than the Parliament then, oops. OK, my autocue is telling me I'm rambling and spouting shite like a derro after his seventh bottle of Buckie, so it's goodnight from me, and it's goodnight from Gaddaffi! Hey, that rhymes! Kenny, get off the phone to Gandhi, we're off for a pint!