St. Louis, Missouri - Today the Plant Liberation Organization issued a press release, re-iterating their demands for a cruelty free world. Under threat of violence, we are releasing it in it's entirety, as we've been assured that we will be pelted with dirt if we do not. Here it is:
For PETA to accuse fur wearers of bloody barbarism is fine. I agree that those who would kill an animal for their own sick purposes are monsters. But give the animal killers credit. At least their prey can fight back and/or run. Not so with the victims of PETA.
While an animal can at least cry out, the skulking cowards that call themselves vegetarians choose to slaughter the truly silent victims - plants. Our ambulatorily challenged brethren can neither run, fight, or scream, but can only wait in mute terror at the approach of a tractor or scythe.
As a man who was raised in the killing fields of the midwest, I can assure you that the carnage is truly vast. At the time of year euphemistically refered to as "The Harvest", thousands of square miles of innocent plant life is mowed down, their chlorophyl staining our soil and our souls. Most will be ate, but many will be left behind, torn from their roots and buried alive, so that their rotting bodies can fertilize a larger crop for next years massacre.
Jeremy Bentham, father of animal rights, once said, "The question is not whether animals can think, but whether they can feel." In this statement he displays his own chauvinistic "Kingdomism" as he completely overlooks the Plant Kingdom. The real question is not whether a plant can think or feel - there are mentally retarded and/or paralyzed humans who cannot - but rather, "are they alive?".
Our carbon based comrades qualify. PETA, and other vegicidal maniacs, must stop spilling the chlorophyl of our plant partners. We animals must recognize that all life is equal, and that we have no right to impose our will on weaker beings.
It is quite possible to live off fruit fallen from the tree, and quite moral, if you then plant the seeds from it. This type of peacefull partnership does not allow for our swarming billions, but instead mandates a greater harmony and quality of life amongst the thousand or so humans who could be nurtured by Mother Earth in such a fashion.
Dean "Dances with Corn" West
Chairbeing of the Plant Liberation Organization
We wish the PLO well in their quest, and hope they remember "come the day" that TheSpoof was always their friend, and always sympathized with their noble cause.