In an incredible coincidence after the lost Gospel of St. Michael was found earlier this week, another one, the Gospel of St. Obama, was discovered in the ruins of the Lebanese town of Yanqi Kanonfodda. Here it is:
'Joseph was a carpenter, and verily took Mary of Kennerty as his wife, though Mary was of child. And Mary had a son, and that son was called Baraq Hussein Obama. And Obama was a wise child, and spake continuously day and night about tax reforms and Roman health care plans, even though he was but a child.
And Obama was sore afraid of the Romans, and of the Syrians, and of the Palestinians. And of the Persians, the Greeks, the Caledonians, and the men from the Far East. But his father kept telling him not to be afraid, and sayeth 'If thou keepeth reading tales about being the mightiest nation in the world, thou will eventually believe it', and Obama kept reading the tales, in the book of 'Holy Wood Krap'.
When Obama became a man he took Mary Michaela as his wife, and she was beautiful, and her wedding gift was a huge ass that could be seen for miles around their town of Bethlago. And Obama went to a temple and began preaching, and many were amazed that he spoke such sooth, saying 'Rabbi, rabbi, can you turn this water into some Paul-masson Chardonn'ay?'
But Obama rebuked them, saying 'Let us not, at this point of time, pay heed to what are, in essence, mere beverages, and, we can now say with some certainty, are foodstuffs that, in time, will not necessarily raise our spiritual awareness for, as we now know, we have come to this moment where we can, in fact, make our views heard. Yes we can!'
And grown men wept in amazement at such profound thoughts, though a few of the women of Bethlago muttered such things as 'He soundeth like a 10-year old talking through a pig's bladder', and 'Bring back King David Burning-Bush, at least he was funny'.
Now the feast of Passover was approaching, and Obama went to Jerusalem, and people asked him about the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah, and how they had been destroyed for their wickedness and sins.
And Obama knew they were tempting him, for he had preached that two men or two women should be allowed to marry, although it was unnatural and a sin. 'Let me just say this', he addressed a large angry crowd of normal married men and women, 'if two men or women decide, of their own free will, to, in effect, marry one another, it is no different from them becoming married to their household pets or farm animals.'
And Obama then told them a parable. 'A man was travelling on a road in Egypt, and he came across a camel that was lame in the desert. And the man asked passers-by for assistance, but none would help the camel.'
'And the man tried to heal the camel's leg with balsam and frankincense and chanel, and boots ownbrand ointment, but to no avail. And the camel refused to get back onto its feet. And so the man had no choice but to marry the camel, and they lived many years together in peace. Let he without sin marry the first camel he doth meet.'
And the people were much puzzled, and some shouted at Obama, saying 'Pervy!', which means one who allows unnatural unions. And Obama went to the Temple and saw the moneylenders there, and saw much money changing hands, and became angry, for he wanted the money.
'People of Jerusalem', he said, 'if you give me your money I will end warfare and famine, especially the war in Persia', for many soldiers had died in battles with the Persians to try and capture some black gold there. And the people were happy, and gave Obama their money. 'Just as soon as I get permission from King David', he added, before leaving the Temple with a few thousand shekels in his pocket.
Obama then went to the east of the city, and saw that Roman soldiers were killing some children there. And Obama's followers begged him to stop the killing, for it was wrong, but Obama looked all around him and pretended he couldn't see the Romans killing the children, and walked past. 'Let him without sin turn a blind eye to this mass murder', he told his disciples. Who had now been reduced from twelve to two.
And the Passover was due to begin, and Obama met a woman named Hitlery, of Kosovia, and Hitlery doth curse Obama greatly, saying 'You are everything to everyone but never actually do or say anything, we'd be better having a Trappist monk tied up in a cellar as a leader!', and Obama was sore offended, and spake back to the lady.
'If - and now is the time, the time that we need to do, and need to say - we can move forward as we have so far moved sidewards, then, as we progress, and, let us now say, as we change, then we, as a people, can henceforth move backwards into what may be seen as, in these times, a progressively forwardly backwards sideways step of, yes, peaceful co-operation with, after all, our aims intact.'
But the scribes and the Pharisees were plotting against Obama, for they also regarded him as a bag of wind, and one Pharisee asked him 'How much longer do the people need to wait before the Messiah comes?', for some of the people were saying Obama was the Messiah, although others that he was like the winds of Gaza in July - a lot of hot air that makes people feel uncomfortable. 'About three years', he answered them.
'Should we render all our taxes to the children of Israel?', another asked him. 'Ye say I am the King of the Jews', he replied, 'therefore render your taxes unto Israel.' And he took a coin that he had removed from the Temple, and showed it to the scribes. 'See this coin, on one side is a map of Palestine, on the other side a map of the Mediterranean Sea. Therefore send all your taxes to the people in those places, and heed not their laughter.'
But Roman soldiers approached him, and asked the few remaining followers he had there if they knew him. 'No', they answered, and hurriedly left. And they asked Hitlery of Kosovia if she knew him. 'No', she said. And they asked a few thousand bystanders if they knew Obama. 'Who?', came their answer, and a cockerel with stars and stripes painted on it that had lost all of its fights but had learnt to crow about winning them then crowed again, and was run over by a passing Roman cattle wagon.
And the soldiers took Obama to Pontius Chenus, that is governor of Judah, and he asked them what Obama had done wrong. And when they had told them about his sermon calling for unnatural marriages, and his continual lies about ending the war in Persia, Chenus ordered them to crucify Obama. And they chastised him and made a crown out of pink tissue paper, and placed it on his head, and gave him a sign to hold that said 'Here lies the King of the Gays'.
And Obama was crucified, and did call out 'Why hath, at this crucial moment, when - let us not forget - as we move forward to what, if we -', and died before he could finish his sentence, to the joy of the nearby Roman soldiers, who were going to draw lots for all Obama's achievements, except there hadn't been any.
On the third day after his crucifixion Obama did reappear, and shew himself to his wife, that is Mary Michaela. And she was much afraid, saying 'I hath already cashed our life insurance policy', but Obama calmed her.
'Fear not', he sayeth, 'for I have returned, but not as I was before.' 'You mean -?' she doth gasp, and 'Yes, I'm now a Roman republican that supports the war in Persia, and thinks unnatural marriages are wrong', he replied, and the two went away to celebrate for a week in bed in the King David Burning-Bush Hotel.
And the people rejoiced and called it the Bedouin For No Peace, and the war against the Persians continued. And three years later the children of Israel forgot all about Baraq Hussein Obama and his wife Mary Michaela, and found another leader to collect taxes for them to buy more swords and camels.
Here endeth the Gospel of St. Obama.'
Here endeth the hours of office. Here endeth my employment as a Roman scribe, if I perchance be discovered writing this nonsense by my governor who doth pay me many shekels to write other things. If so, I shall be crucified on Monday morning.