Written by matwil
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Sunday, 27 September 2009

image for That Paul McCartney essay in full 'Paul Who?'

'Today, April the fFirst 1953, sees the glorious coronation of that remarkable and mind-bogglingly talented and famous English leader, yes, of course I mean me. From my humble beginnings of being unable to write anything but three-chord songs that a 10-year old could, I'm still writing 3 chord-songs that a 10 year-yodellayhehoo could.

And how I managed to add all them classical riffs and licks to songs is almost as remarkable as what my music teacher Mr. Martin did - does. Plus how I got my grammar so good is oddness too, verily I say unto thee and thine and thy glorious kingdom.

But let us not get carried away with pompousness and pseudo-intellectual frogsonging, I am shocked to see that the bad boy next to me - I'm not a telltale tit, so I will just call him 'John Winston Lennon' to hide his real identity - sits and writes all sorts of weird songs that are simply not monarchial, and quite frankly, Your Highness, if ye be reading this in 50 years' time, your Holiness, of a seditionary, revolutionary, Roget page 334-y, antidisestablishmentarianalistical nature.

Yes, that bad boy writes songs about fields and walruses and imagination and all sorts of disgracefulness, when he should be following Mr. Martin's example and writing ones called 'Ooooo!', 'Like A Cup OF Tea, Ma'am?' and 'When I'm Cleaning Windows On Penny Lane'. Penny Lane is a street in Liverpool, I come from Liverpool, which is quite near Windsor.

I have always admired Her Majesty the Queen and the aristocracy, and can see no future for that bad and evil 'John Lennon', let us just hope he doesn't grow up into one of those monstrous teddy boys, Your Highness! I have always dreamt of getting a knighthood - 'Arise, Sir Paul!' is written on a tree in Strawberry Fields somewhere, while me pals drew hearts wiv them and girls' names on them.

The British constitution is wonderful, is it not? When a humble professional musician's son can become another musician then we know, do we not, that Queen Elizabeth the Second doth be the best queen since Queen Elizabeth the First. 'Lennon' told me that she shouldn't be called 'the Second' as she's actually the first Elizabeth to rule the United Kingdom, but those evil Scottish cousins of his told him that then there.

'Give Scotland Back To The Scottish' would make a nice song, and make as much sense as 'Give Ireland Back To The Irish', i.e. a load of cobblers, bullshit and downright garbage, if not complete and utter pish that is 100% wrong! Excusing my highly improbable rebellious langauge at this point.

When I grow up I hope to become very nice and marry a nice pretty girl with blonde girl with blond hair. No wild, drug-taking groupies with a history of alcoholic-crazed dirtiness for me, no sirrah, if such a fate bestreweth me I wouldn't have a leg to stand on! And I want to take tea with that icon of motherhood and the leader of the British Empire, the Protestant faith, and the head of the British Army, Queen Elizabeth the Second, the most glorious and luvly woman in history, whew, what would the british do without her?

Start being Roman Catholics, supporting Irish mass-murderers, and taking drugs and generally being very bad, I expect. I expect 'John' will do such things when he grows up, he's a very, very naughty boy, just like his friend Brian is.

I was talking on this historical day to my friend georgE harrisoN, and do you know what he said to me? He said 'Hello'. Amazing stuff, but He'll never be any good at anything when he leafs school, and neither will that other pal of mine, Richard 'Beaky' Starkey. Apart from winning the 'Mr. Huge Nose of 1956' competition, of course!

It's hard being such a wonderful person at my tender age of 10, winning writing competitions, writing unbelievably complex and ground-breaking songs, becoming a pillar box of the monarchy and England, and generally being the most amazingly wonderful boy in the entire Universe. But I expect I'll get used to it when I'm a bit older.

Writing symphonies, travelling the world, inventing underwater snooker tables, changing the space time continuum by a hitherto unparallellelled sequence, there won't be anynothing I shall not achieve by the age of 60. I may even learn how to spell grammar correctly and write songs as good as Mr. Martin's, so good that people won't believe I wrote them 50 years later! And that he wrote them.

Well, anyone can write a pop song, can they not? Just look at 'John Lennon'. He'll never do anything when he leaves school neither ...'

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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