Feeling bored at work? Used to respect British Prime Ministers, but now find them nauseating creeps? Know you could do their job a lot better than they do, but don't know what's needed for the job? Then fill out this cardboard cutout kit, and you too can lick the American President's boots!:
1. Be born in the south-east of Scotland. This narrows it down to only 1 in 120 of the UK population, but that's the way the haggis crumbles
2. Become a passionate socialist and supporter of women's rights, Troops Out of Ireland, Palestinian liberation, and all the usual lefty causes
3. Get a university degree in some useful working-class subject, such as law or economics or politics
4. Get elected as an MP in the south-east of Scotland, or if really desperate the north-east of England, where a whippet can get elected if it has a Labour rosette on it
5. Grovel and backstab yourself into a Cabinet position, preferably Chancellor, and forget all about socialism
6. Backstab the current Labour Prime Minister with endless leaks and hints that you would be a better leader than him, or be lucky enough for the current leader to suddenly drop dead
7. Become the new Labour Party Prime Minister, without the UK electorate ever electing you into the position
8. Start speaking in a poncey accent, as if you've never heard of the south-east of Scotland
9. Start grinning like a slimey reptile and wearing ridiculous wigs/dying your hair/acting like a clown
10. Become the US President's boot cleaner
For those who are Conservatives, simply change the words 'south-east of Scotland' to 'south-east of England', 'haggis' to 'silver spoon in my mouth', 'working-class' to 'middle-class', and 'socialism' to 'Thatcherism', and voila! You'll soon be riding your bicycle round Westminster with only 20 guards in cars behind you.
For LibDems, just change all the words to 'Er'.
British political party leaders - any cardboard cutout can become one.
[This cutout was sponsored by ObamaBushWarCrimsInc. Free cutout with every Iraqi baby killed in the name of oil.]