We've all heard of bulls and bears on Wall Street, but salmon? I recently came across an article in which researchers used an MRI to scan the brain of a dead salmon while showing it pictures of human emotions, and to their surprise they discovered that the dead salmon's brain was reacting to the pictures it was shown. Amazing.
Myself, being a fast thinking Wall Street fat cat (I am not really fat, but my cholesterol is a little high and my doctor told me to cut down on sweets) I know an opportunity when I smell one. If these dead salmon could react to human emotions perhaps they could predict the market?
I immediately headed to the local Whole Foods where I picked out a couple of real good looking salmon, wild caught, not farm raised. I mean why take unnecessary risk with all that artificial hormone crap, its just common sense. I placed the dead salmon in the freezer and waited for the next trading day.
Next morning I took the dead salmon out and put them in front of trading computers giving each one ten million dollars in buying power. At the end of the day I would see what stocks these dead salmon bought and if they beat the market. I left before the start of the trading as I didn't want to put extra pressure on the already frozen in place fish.
It was a rough day on Wall Street with the market dropping 2%. I stepped out of the office to check how my dead salmon performed. Incredibly, the dead salmon were able to predict the market and had not bought a single stock. I must admit I was skeptical, beginner's luck I thought. I placed the dead salmon back into the freezer. The next day I put the salmon back in front of the computers and waited to see what would happen. It was another down day for Wall Street with the market shedding an additional 3%. The dead salmon however did not skip a beat and had set out the horrible day without making a single trade, outperforming the market by almost 5% in a two day period. The third day was more of the same, with the market dropping and my dead salmon coldly calculating not to take any positions. I had hit the jackpot.
Well surprise surprise, that evening I get a call from the White House. Apparently word of my miracle salmon had gotten around and now the federal government was asking me to outsource my dead salmon to them so they could work on the economic recovery legislation. For the good of the nation and all that. As if. I politely told them that my dead salmon were not for sale, besides if they needed something slippery with a fishy smell they had Hillary. I hung up and continued counting my future millions.
The next day was somewhat disappointing. The marking rallied over 2% but my dead salmon were just sitting there, frozen in fear, unable to make a single good decision. After that the market went up for five days straight but my star traders were sitting there with a blank look on their face as if they had lost their previous week's golden touch. It was heart breaking.
Later I found out that my dead salmon strategy had become public and all the large banks were using dead salmon on their trading desk negating any advantage my dead salmon had given me. But not to worry, I have decided to get the freshest dead salmon possible and I am going right to the source, straight to Alaska. I already hired a couple of grizzly bears as recruiters.