'So it's still goalless here at the City of Manchester Stadium after fifteen minutes of play. But now Wright-Phillips sends a through ball towards the Arsenal penalty box, and Adebayor runs in for it, but Fabregas beats him to the ball -
and Adebayor elbows Fabregas in the head, sending him crashing to the ground! My word, that was a disgraceful assault, and no wonder the referee's reaching for his pocket! And - yes, he's bringing out his book. Trevor.'
'That's good refereeing, John, straight for the City bank account book to check the balance. And as it's £340 million, there'll be no card for Adebayor.'
'No, and under the FA rules a referee can't give a red or even a yellow card to any player in a club that has over £300 million in liquid assets. But no wonder Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger is furious, he's just kicked a water bottle in his anger. But what's this? The referee's going over to the Frenchman.'
'Looks like Wenger has to be sent to the stands, John, Arsenal's assets are below the FA turn-a-blind-eye rule requirements. Yes, he's being sent off for bringing the FA into a farce influenced by money. That's rule 84, also known as the 'a penalty must be given at least once a game at Old Trafford' rule.
'Now City are pressing forward again. It's Johnson to Ireland, and Ireland makes a neat pass to Adebayor. Adebayor beats his marker and turns and shoots - and what a goal! City go 2 up after magnificent play from Adebayor. But what is Adebayor doing now? He's running toward the Arsenal fans, and ...'
'And making Nazi salutes at them, John. And taking out a baby doll and setting fire to it in a voodoo ritual against them. And now he's beheading an effigy of Arsene Wenger with a sword he somehow managed to keep from the referee's attention in his pockets. Surely this is a disciplinary offence, Trevor.'
'Well, John, of course some may say that Nazi salutes, voodoo killings of babies and beheading effigies in front of the away support is a tad inflammatory, but surely it shows the passion that has been lacking for so long in the English game. The FA's Blind Eye committee will have to spend at least three minutes this evening thinking up some excuse not to dare punish a player from such an affluent club as Manchester City.'
'And the police may want to take an interest in this, Trevor, if anyone did what Adebayor has done today in a street he would be arrested and tried and sent to gaol. But of course the FA Bribe The Judges contingency account
- the Steven Gerrard Backhander slush fund - will be there to be drawn upon if needed. And now more talentless City players press forward, and - offside. No, the third official keeps his flag down! And Craig Bellamy must score, yes, it's 3 nil now, and surely no coming back for Arsenal.'
'A clear case of offside-unless-you-play-for-a-Manchester-team there, John, good to see the FA officials are completely unbiased in their desire to see fair play - and to see rich English clubs qualify for the Champions' League. But now what is Adebayor doing to celebrate Bellamy's goal?'
'He's just shot the Arsenal goalkeeper dead in front of the away fans, Trevor, and is now digging a grave for his body in the penalty box. The referee's coming over and reaching for his book again - and yes, City's balance is still £340 million, so the official starts joining in the digging with his bare hands. Good to see such impressive refereeing in the McDonald's Heinekin Sonyplaystation Orange TMobile Salford Greasy Spoon Old Mother Riley League.'
'I suppose with English players and managers being all so totally hopeless nowadays, we have to rely on foreign billionaires to buy our clubs and to bring in foreign players to play for them, and foreign managers to manage them. It's the only way we can make English clubs look any good.'
'And the FA is doing its part, Trevor, allowing foreign players away with murder to get foreign-owned English clubs into the Champions' League. Why, with a little bit of self-delusion we can all pretend their success is somehow English!' 'But it isn't.' 'I know, but how else can we keep the smug, jingoistic ex-players who never won anything in employment on Match of the Day?'
'By them continually mentioning World Cups in smug, jingoistic tones, as if England and English players and managers are in any way important in the footballing world in 2009?' 'That's it.' 'When without foreigners the English league would be as bad as the Scottish one?' 'That's going too far, Trevor.' 'OK.'
'And there goes the whistle, and it's Manchester City should have had 4 red cards, Arsenal 2 legitimate penalty claims ignored. Another great weekend of pantomimes and bribery, dressed up as football.