Written by Mark Mywords
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Saturday, 12 September 2009

image for 'Where Are They Now?' Part 3: The Milky Bar Kid "For you, Milky Bar Kid, only the f**king breast IS good enough!"

Today, in the third of our series 'Where Are They Now?' - in which we look at the lives of the once famous which, having circulated for a time in the bubbling, blue, heavily disinfected water of fame, then seemed to slip almost unnoticed down the toilet bowl of notoriety and into the bendy rusted pipework of obscurity- we ask, 'The Milky Bar Kid': what in the name of vomit-inducing white chocolate ever happened to HIM? He may have been strong; he may have been tough. But was only the best good enough? Well, in a manner of speaking.

For a number of years, the bespectacled, blonde, irritating face of Nestle's most nauseating (amongst a myriad of potential candidates) confectionary product, the Milky Bar Kid bestrode the fetid advertising space between 'Animal Kwackers' and 'Magpie' like a pre-pubescent midget colossus with glasses. During the 1970's, 'The Kid' became famous for pushing up an oversized stetson and rubbing the imaginary stubble on his baby smooth chin, before delighting the hyperactive pre-teen inhabitants of a Wild West frontier town by handing out a spittoon full of Milky Bars. This not only made the kids happy, but also a generation of 'drill and fill' dental practitioners who couldn't wait to strap a ten year-old into a chair and get to work like Bob the Builder on speed.

Things started to go badly wrong for 'The Kid', however, when one day, at around high noon, he decided to deal with one particularly unpleasant critter, Pedo Pete, by lassoing a barrel of treacle and pulling the thing over, pouring the white hot contents all over the hapless individual. The kids in the town got the Milky Bars, but the twisted villain got to spend several years in and out of hospital, undergoing extensive plastic surgery.

"Some would say the shitty little pervert got what was coming," said Danny Suyerass, the Milky Bar Kid's attorney, who dealt with the claim for damages, issued out of El Paso County Court in the late 1970's. "The incident left the Milky Bar Kid facing ruin. The compensation for having your face boiled off with treacle cleaned the Kid out financially, although I managed to cut a deal and keep the Kid's entitlement to a lifetime supply of Milky Bars. Anyway, want my card? You never know when some dumbass motherf**ker is going to sue your f**king ass, too!"

His career in ruins, the Milky Bar Kid took comfort in his growing addiction to the white stuff. "Sure, he managed to get one or two advertising jobs," said Suyerass, "but he kept making the wrong f**king decisions, probably due to his mind being f**ked up with chocolate. I remember when he had the chance to wear a sandwich board and walk up and down Leighton Buzzard High Street to announce the opening of a new Clinton Card shop, or to go on TV and do a series of ad's for an optician, the dumbass motherf**ker opted for wasting f**king shoe leather! I told him at the time; "You Should Have Gone To F**king 'Specsavers'".

Gradually, and unsurprisingly, the Kid's weight ballooned. In an effort to make a new life for himself he moved to Glasgow in 1999 and tried a number of new business ventures. It was during this period of his life that he set up a business making women's brassiers, and in fact released a white, creamy and soft range called 'The Milky Bra'. Sadly, after several months the venture went bust, and when the bailiffs moved in to evict him, the Kid was found sat in a corner, distraught, wearing only a strapless satin 36c, and singing Shania Twain's 'Man, I Feel Like A Woman'.

It was, ironically, his ability to sing that began to change his life. He began to work the streets of Glasgow as a busker by day (after he'd finished watching Jeremy Kyle), and gradually made enough money to bring about the kind of change he knew for a long time needed to be made to make him feel complete. He decided to undergo gender realignment surgery, which he did.

Since his decision to become a woman, and wear his own range of bra, the one-time Milky Bar Kid has never looked back. He now has a name to be proud of, has appeared on television, and has a singing career that is going from strength to strength. And I, for one, would like to wish Susan Boyle all the very best for the future.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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