Written by Skoob1999
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Thursday, 10 September 2009

image for Teenage Mutant Hoody Zombie Teen Stalk 'N' Slash Massacre- Part Friday The 13th. Be very afraid. Same Old Boring Illustration For Same Old boring Story.

Johnny Boy is dead.

He has been decapitated for no apparent reason.

By some mysterious hand.

His head lies some three feet away from his body.

His blood seeps into the floorboards.

"We have a problem here people," Abel Zorro Rodriguez says through gritted teeth. "It looks like Johnny Boy has bit the bullet. In short, he's a bit dead."

"And we have serious continuity problems here," Angie says. Her breasts are having alarming effects on the gathering.

"Don't worry about it," Abel Zorro Rodriguez says. "It's just the dipshit writer we got doing this thing. He's hucking fopeless."

"What happened to him?" Fran says. She's looking seriously glamorous. She's the one that all the male readers are going to want to bonk in their imagination when this is all over.

She's the one who started out plain, and became incredibly sexy. A plot device stolen entirely and without apology from the 'Halloween' movie with Jamie Lee Curtis. Directed by John Carpenter, who when asked if he'd like to put some input into this story, told us:

"You gotta be fuckin' kiddin right?"

"He's had his head cut off," Abel Zorro Rodriguez says. "It's not pleasant, but then neither is supporting the Dallas Cowboys."

"Who did it?" Angie asks. "And why?"

"It's probably some inbred mutant hoody zombies," Abel Zorro Rodriguez says. "I can't make no sense out of it. But do you think the inbred mutant hoody zombies think about what they do?"

"Or why..." Todd says.

"Shut the fuck up. Asshole. You're getting on my tits now," Abel Zorro Rodriguez says.

Meanwhile, the dog, who has been previously neglected, nay omitted from this painful story in an accidental oversight, makes his presence felt.

"Oh my Gawd!" Angie shreiks.

"What is it?" Lola asks.

"The Goddammed dog is licking my nipples. And I like it. Whoooo!!!" Angie says.

She forgets all about "I Will Survive' on the karaoke machine, temporarily, as Bear does the ultimate boob job.

"Oh my God ohGodOhGodOhGodOh what a FUCKING DOG!!!"

She then slumps back. Sated.

"Sorry about this," Abel Zorro Rodriguez points out. "But Johnny Boy, the one with the cock, he's kind of had his head cut off. It was probably the inbred mutant hoody zombies. We're going to have to be extra vigilant from here on in."

"You're going to have to stop abusing my dog," Morse says. "He's a nice dog, my Bear is. And he is real, and he is a charmer, no matter if the San Francisco Jizz mopper casts doubts on his credentials. I'm not having him licking ladies boobies with his rough tongue. It's just wrong!"

"It'll do for me!" Angie says. "Kerrist, my boobs ain't been worked like that since I had my first born..."

"You had a baby?" Todd asks.

"Just the one," Angie says. "It's nothing to get excited about."

"Yeah but you could have at least told me," Todd blurts.

"Yeah, mister wise ass. And you could have told me that my momma blew you. But you didn't."

"I thought you knew," Todd says. "I thought the sticky eyebrows were a dead giveaway."

"I thought she was teaching you how to cook gammon!" Angie shreiks.

"She was gammon all right. gammon it real good..."

"I have to stop this right here," Abel Zorro Rodriguez says. "We're under threat from inbred mutant hoody zombies as we speak. Angie, I give not a toss whether your mother gave Todd a BJ. I'm looking at Fran and I'm feeling a totem pole rising. Shit. She's hot. But we have to look out for each other. That's the way it works."

Abel Zorro Rodriguez brandishes his sword.

He whips it through the air.

"Don't forget, dear compadres that we have other people fighting on our behalf. Remember them."

With any form of continuity gone clean out of the window, we actually get back on track and relocate Buck and Nick, who were apparently last sighted falling into a hole, which had no relalation to Edna Bellfore.

It's dark.

It's damp.

It's a tunnel.

It's a sewage pipe.

"I'm fucking scared. I don't know about you Buck, but I'm fucking scared," Nick says.

Nick just wants to flirt with the ladies. He's not into fear.

"We're both scared," Buck says. "In a situation like this, anybody would be scared. I'm scared too. But I'll be fucked if I'm ever going to give in to fear. Fear is an illusion."

They proceed down the tunnel.

Buck holds his Colt 45 Navy Automatic at port arms.

Nick waves the .357 magnum wherever he thinks it's useful.

Then it happens.

They explode upon our heroes from all directions.

Chattering, freaking out, totally crazy.

Buck is cool.

Buck takes aim with the Colt Navy automatic.

BLAM - one down.

BLAM - two down

"Shit, I'm panicking here!" Nick cries out.

"You'll be really fucking panicking if these guys get their hands on you," Buck says. "Shoot these fuckers and make it count, or we're done for!"

Buck keeps on shooting. Inbred mutant hoody zombies fall under a hail of bullets.

Nick aims, Nick fires, a mutant's head explodes, such is the power of the Magnum.

Buck is still shooting.

Nick takes aim and shoots again.

Another one down.

The noise, the chattering ss hard to bear, but Buck and Nick keep shooting.

It's like a scene from a Michael Mann movie.

Nick aims again.

He fires.

A mutant zombie head explodes in gouts of red.

Buck reloads, fires again.

His aim is true. Again.

Then there's nobody left to shoot.

It's all gone quiet.

"Holy shit!" Nick says.

"Stand!" Buck says.

They do.

But nothing happens.

"Jesus, Buck man, that was scary," says Nick.

"Not as scary as the loopy editing on this sack of shit story," Buck says, rather heroically.

"What do you mean?" Nick asks.

"What do you mean, what do I mean?" Buck says. "You mean you don't know what I mean?"

"Errr probably. Or then again probably not." Nick says. "I really don't know. Give me a clue."

"The clue is that the idiot writing this sack of shit, doesn't know the difference between asshole and breakfast time. He's just a jerk off."

"Oh, okay," Nick says. "Does that mean our travails are over?"

"I wouldn't think so," Buck says. "This is one sadistic bastard we're dealing with here."

"Oh, righto," Nick says.

"Prick," Buck mummbles to himself.


*********************************************************

Meanwhile, up above, Abel Zorro is scratching his head. He never thought that his good friend Skoob would sell him down the river like this.

But did Skoob sell Abel and Buck down the river.

Only Skoob knows.

And he's not telling.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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