Written by Frank Miller
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Monday, 31 August 2009

image for Drunk Justice: ASBOs, springs and Safaris in London Don't shoot! I've only had a couple of pints!

Frank Miller investigates past and present Police methods of tackling the increase of drunken behaviour on the streets of the UK.

Another ASBO

You may have heard about the Drunken ASBO launched this week, but this isn't the whole story.

In a less publicised initiative, the streets of Newport in Wales have become the arena for a new pilot scheme which about to begin its six month trial.

Springtime for Justice

Police will have the power to strap drunken offenders into devices comprised of a huge spring, a suction cup and a large flat disk placed on the ground so they stay upright and wobble around a bit.

A police spokesman continues, "We press the device down with a big mechanical hand to compress the spring so the suction cup is in contact with the floor plate creating a vaccuum, then we let go and run like fuck to a safe distance."

After several seconds, the spring violently forces the suction cup away from the floor plate and the whole device is launched into the air, in a random direction at great speed, travelling for miles and landing - who knows where; probably into the sea or something.

Hopes are high but will it suceceed? It could go either way. Remember Safari UK which ran last year?

Safari UK - Guilty of failure to entertain

In cooperation with the English Tourist Board the police organised special events where tourists could travel around by night in modified black taxi cabs (allowing quick deployment of long barrelled shot guns) to chase herds of drunk loosers through the London streets. Heads and skins could be kept as trophies.

Police found the drunken offenders, rounded them up and stuck oversized antlers to their heads with glue, then they were given a count of fifty to make their escape onto the streets.

"It was a chance to increase tourism and fight crime!", says a police spokesman, "A special opportunity for tourists to hunt animals in no danger of becoming extinct, let's face it, there's no shortage of worthless drunken twats, they're everywhere."

The scheme was shortlived however. "In hindsight it was a bad idea since most of the offenders were so pissed they could barely move and didn't provide much of a chase." The scheme was cancelled after three weeks.

For now, the eyes and hopes of the world are fixed on Newport.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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