Written by Dick Action
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Friday, 28 August 2009

According to last night on BBC 4, we are apparently on the verge of a nervous breakthrough. Cell research has progressed to the point where we can make a new generation of the human race without shagging each other. Admittedly that could be a good thing. There never has been any insurance policy against waking up in bed with an absolute minger after several ales.

At first I thought a second genesis was about cloning Phil Collin's band, which was worrying as nobody needs another no-necked, mediocre little shit whining into a microphone. Though its a shame this wasn't sponsored by Yorkshire TV for a change - there are people leaning against dry stone walls all over the county who could really do with a few genetic tweaks.

Of course the idea is not without its opponents. Even I worry about waking up one morning to find me walking towards myself but better looking, less temperamental and more intelligent. Admittedly I see people like this every day but it would be far more annoying if they looked identical.

On the other hand, is genetic engineering so bad? Would I really complain about waking up in the morning to a Neitzsche-reading, Morticia look-alike, desperate for seven pints of Doombar while pursuing large carp in the middle of the woods?

This of course depends on us getting it right. We might not be so keen at the prospect of being served in restaurants by three-assed camel-monkeys. Though the opportunity for the waiter to double up as the actual meal would save us all a lot of time.

Having said that, given evolution has already thrown up the BNP and the X-Factor judges, what could go so wrong? Admittedly keywording genetic make up is dangerous in a world seemingly obsessed with Jordan's breasts and cage fighters getting their ex-partners up the stick.

But the program ended on a reassuring note. The pinnacle of excitement was the mixing of an original yeast cell with that of an original jellyfish cell. When viewed through a mircoscope by an ecstatic presenter, hey presto; this looked like a bit of bread wobbling on a plate. The idea that this will eventually become a better you seems rather distant.

Perhaps we should just continue trying to shag people who aren't utter shits and hope for the best. And on that note I was happy to discover in the closing moment's of the programme, that some nerds in white coats are still worth hitting the sack with.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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