Written by matwil
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Wednesday, 26 August 2009

image for Edward Kennerty:an Obituary A rare can of Guiness in Boston not drunk by Edward Kennerty

Edward Kennerty, who died in Boston, Massachusetts today, aged 143, had a long and distinguished career as a Democrat politician.

His life began in 1866, when he was born to father Tedward Kennerty, a bootlegger and gangster, and mother Edwina Rosie Lee Parnassus Boulevard McHimmler O'Guiness O'Reilly Obama OmacDonald Hadjafarmski Kennerty. In his twenties he enrolled in Harvard College, but failed to pass any exams and had to resort to cheating to pass the one in Spanish for Elementary Schoolchildren.

Having been expelled by the Harvard Authorities after his cheating was found out, he joined the army in 1951, and his father bribed a lot of officials to make sure he didn't have to fight in the Korean War. So he spent the next two years bravely fighting mountains and bars across Central Europe, before being discharged, still a private.

Returning to America his father bribed more officials, and he was soon accepted back at Harvard and graduated with a degree in Lack of Knowledge About Irish History in 1955. He also majored in throwing a leather ball accurately across a field with distinction.

For the next few years he studied distillation and brewing techniques in the state of Massachusetts, and became an accomplished sports car driver, winning many races against the courts in getting his DUI convictions overturned before the DA managed to overrule his father's money.

In 1960 his brother Jimbob Kennerty became the 30somethingth President of the USA and vacated his Senate seat in Massachusetts, and so without being elected Edward took up the seat, or rather his father forced his chauffeur to pretend to take up the seat until Kennerty was old enough to be automatically given it.

In 1962 he became Mass. Senator, or 'mass bribes made him Senator', as his Democrat opponent Edward J McTedward said, as Kennerty won the primary against McTedward and then the seat from the unpopular Republican incumbent Sir George Masonic Lynchmob Rednecker III.

His brother Jimbob had inherited his father Tedward Kennerty's criminal organisation, and in 1963 Jimbob was shot dead in Dallas, Texas, as part of a ruthless war between Italian and Irish mobsters. And in 1964 Edward himself was a victim of an assassination attempt, when a bomb blew the aeroplane he was travelling in out of the sky near the Massachusetts town of Southampton.

After recovering from that Kennerty began to publicly support the Vietnam War, saying it was 'a holy war against the unjust and evil monstrosity of global Communism', despite the fact that the Vietnamese people had chosen quite freely to become a Communist country.

But after a trip there in 1968, Kennerty began to publicly condemn the Vietnam War, saying it was an 'unholy war by the unjust and monstrous global capitalistic country of America', and promptly returned to the USA to find out that his other brother Bobjim Kennerty had been shot to death in a Los Angeles strip joint, as part of the ongoing Irish-Italian turf war.

Kennerty made one of his most famous speeches at his brother's funeral, saying 'My brother's teeth were so ridiculous they caused problems with airliner pilots trying to navigate at night. I dream, I say, I hope and I pray that, when he wished he was alive, he was,

and was so, and I pray and hope his prayers for a long and successful success for the Kennerty bootlegging empire will say, and pray, to his wishes. And this, I pray, I say I say I say, will may, nay, they shall not, will not, say, they say, say of him - this was his final visit to the orthodontist's.'

After his brother's death Kennerty sought condolence in reviving his racing car driving career, and was soon winning case after case across the courts of Massachusetts once more. But in 1969 tragedy struck for the Senator when he made the mistake of picking up a female hitchhiker, 28- year old Mary Jo Cappuccino, during a gruelling nightime race from bar to bar on an island on Martha's Vineyard, Bribethejudgequick Isle.

Against his will the hitchhiker forced the contents of a bottle of Irish whiskey down Kennerty's neck, causing the experienced and always sober racing driver to drive straight into a lake, and there Cappuccino resisted all Kennerty's attempts to save her from drowning, screaming insanely 'I want to die! I want to die!', and reluctantly Kennerty had to leave her to her fate.

But as a respectable citizen and a member of one of America's 45,445th oldest families of Irish bootleggers, Kennerty went straight to inform the authorities of Cappuccino's death - but was kidnapped on the way to the local police station by a gang of armed Mexican bandits, who held him against his will in a cave until the next day, when he bravely managed to escape from them.

At the court hearing about the tragic accident, for once the Senator lost a race against the courts and came in second, and was given a slap on the wrist as punishment for 'Not being able to handle yer drink, ya drunken fag bum. A real Irishman would have never have crashed after drinking only one bottle of whiskey,

and if he did he would not only have dragged the girl back out of the water, he would then have declared war on England and become the next heavyweight champion of the world, all in the same evening', Judge Paddy O'Jamieson reasonably summed up the case.

'Two months for not being a real Irishman, suspended coz your dad gave me a distillery as a birthday present. Next case.' The case was to be brought back to the courts many, many more times over the years, but Kennerty's father's money meant it was to always end in the same result.

In 1972 Kennerty publicly said he would not be a candidate in the US Presidential election, then privately said he would and would oppose George McGovern, thus splitting the Democrat vote. And although wary of resuming his racing car career, his wife Jean took his place as Team Kennerty driver, using her skills and money to win against the courts quite a few times.

Kennerty himself immersed himself in continuing his studies in Lack of Knowledge About Irish History, and brought out a controversial thesis in 1974, entitled 'Why I Know Nothing About Ireland'.

In it, the Senator put forward the idea that the British Protestant people of Northern Ireland, who have lived there for hundreds of years longer than Irish Americans have lived in America, should be forced out of Ireland at gunpoint and fed alive to great white sharks, for 'Depriving my ancestors of their land. Even though the British Protestant people there are Scots. And the Scots came from ... Northern Ireland. And the Scots were in Northern Ireland nearly two thousand years ago.'

'And about one million out of five million people in the Republic of Ireland are Protestants, without any connection with Britain. So you see, I know nothing about Ireland. I am, in fact, an Irish American. And if that bastid judge Paddy O'Jamieson once more says I can't hold my drink, why ... I'll run and tell Daddy.'

In 1976 Kennerty publicly said he would not be a candidate in the US Presidential election, then privately said he would and would oppose Jimmy Cartbore, thus splitting the Democrat vote - but not enough to defeat Cartbore, and the Georgian peanut eater became the new President.

In revenge, in 1979 Kennerty stood against Cartbore and this time the split in the vote meant that in the Presidential election Cartbore lost heavily to newcomer Ronald Baboon in 1980, thus leading to eight years of 'Baboonomics'.

In 1982 Kennerty publicly said he would not be a candidate in the US Presidential election, then privately said he would and would oppose Walter Blandale, thus splitting the vote - but by this time the long-suffering Democratic Party had woken up to his tactics, and told him to

'Piss off, Kennerty, you're like the rest of your family, all teeth and insincerity and lies', or 'I'd rather spend more time with my wife and children than become the most powerful man in the world', as Kennerty himself put it. 'Whoever the hell they are'.

By 1985 the Senator had decided to play at being the Pope, and began an endless series of visiting troubled parts of the world, such as apartheid South Africa and the Soviet Union. Having seen black people treated as second-class citizens in their own country, he then made speeches denouncing the South African regime on his return to America, carefully ignoring the fact that America is a nation where black people are treated as second-class citizens in their own country.

He also made anti-Soviet speeches about the lack of freedom in Russia and about his favorite new cause, the lack of a nationally-organised healthcare system in the USA. He carefully ignored the fact that the Soviet Union had a nationally-organised healthcare system.

The rest of the 80s saw Kennerty drinking beer and groping waitresses across Massachusetts, though in 1986 Kennerty publicly said he would not be a candidate in the US Presidential election, then privately said he would and would oppose Michael Streekapis, but this tactic no longer had any effect, although Streekapis was massacred at the polls by George W. Baboon anyway.

In the 1990s Kennerty began to campaign for women's rights and feminism, though the effect of his support was slightly damaged by 3,322 waitresses filing suits of sexual harrassment against him, and that was only the waitresses from the Shamrock and Blarnicle Bar in Boston.

And so the Senator changed to a different campaign, one for ensuring the portablity of drying out clinics for people in America with alcohol and/or drugs problems, and the bill that made this law was worked on with President George W. Baboon's daughter-in-law's mother's uncle's dog. As the dog made more sense than Baboon did.

In 1999 tragedy again struck the Kennerty family, when Jimbob F. Kennerty Junior's plane mistakenly picked up a female planehiker near Bribeajudgequick Isle, off Martha's Vineyard, and the hiker forced the pilot Jimbob to drink a bottle of Irish whiskey. He then crashed the plane into a lake, and as his uncle Edward wasn't around to bravely try and save him he died shortly afterwards.

At Jimbob Junior's funeral Senator Kennerty said: 'We dared to drink, and drink we did, but in another, I think, drinking Irish phrase - I've never been to Ireland, but Daddy says it's full of leprechauns and blarney and pots of gold, only ruined by the big, bad British soldiers disgracefully trying to keep the peace between two sets of people that want to kill one another -

so in another, I think, phrase of what I think is Irishness at its most thinking, and drinking, we dared to drink and think that Jimbob Junior would have lived to see the day the British Army would leave Ireland, and the people there would promptly mass murder one another in an epic bloodbath of apocalyptic proportions.'

'While I carried on with, I think, Jimbob and, I think, his thinking, I now so do think. I think. Like his father before him, Jimbob had every gift except the gift of the gab. Remember when Jimbob Senior said 'I am a donut!' to thousands of people in West Berlin? Hahahahaha ...'

By 2000 Kennerty had all but run out of campaigns to campaign for, apart from his helping to pass legislation with the support of George W. Baboon's daughter-in-law's mother's uncle's dog ensuring mandatory student cheating at exams, but in 2001 the September the 11th attacks took place in New York City.

Finding out that 3 people from Massachusetts had died in those attacks, the Senator launched the Get Me In The News Again campaign, which succeeded, and led to Kennerty remaining a famous name for no particular reason. Having failed to become American President, failed to become Pope, and failed to fight in the Korean War, he continued to act as if he was a cross between an American President, the Pope and a military leader, though nobody noticed this outside of Boston.

In 2007 Kennerty publicly said he would support John Kerry in running for US President, but Kerry said Kennerty would not, thus splitting the vote, and Kerry then lost out to Hillary Clintyawn and Barack Roomlawya. Kennerty then said it was 'time for again a new generation of againship in leaders again', and compared Obama's corny grin and massive teeth as 'a sign that our nominee will know the difference between a Berliner and a hamburger. Unlike my brother, Jimbob.'

But Kennerty's tactic of splitting the Democrat vote no longer worked, and Barack Roomlawya became both the Party's candidate and then President of the United States of America, something which friends said 'drove Ted to drink, as if he thought he would now never become President, which we all knew by 1962'.

Kennerty and his Senate staff had written over 12,500 bills, 3 of which became law, and The Boston Globule said 'The youngest of the Kennerty brothers has had achievements to rival those of many Presidents. Well, when that list of Presidents includes George W. Baboon, Ronald Baboon, Jimmy Cartbore and Gerald Who, that's not much of an achievement. But most impressively Senator Kennerty developed a drinker's nose that rivalled even Tip O'Neill's one, even Karl Malden's. Wow, that was some schozzle!'

Edward Kennerty was also a writer, his least-selling books including 'In Critical Condition: The Crisis in America's Health Care Due To Raging Irish American Alkies', 'Some of My, Yes, Speechings Out Rival George W.'s, Some Do, Some Don't, But Let Me Just Add This, Again Let Us Look At Adding This, Again', 'Vietnam, Either You're For It, Like Me, Or Against It, Like Me', and 'Give Ireland Back To The Irish, Except The Irish Don't Want It Back, Only Ignorant Irish Americans Think They Do'.

Many politicians paid tribute to Kennerty. Governor of California Arnold von Gooschsteppen said 'Ted Eee voz like en onkle too mee. He tot me Eengleesh', and Senator John McCain added 'Well, heck, er, where am I?'

Former Presidents also had much to say about Kennerty. Bill Clintyawn, taking a break from rescuing blue whales in Iceland, said: 'Good ole Ted! He was so like his brother Jimbob, except he never became President, never had his looks, and never really did anything except have the name Kennerty.'

Jimmy Cartbore said 'I swore I would dance on his grave in hobnailed boots if that pain went before me. Pass me my hobnailed boots, please, Rosie.'

And George W. Baboon also said 'Kenny Tedderty will be sorely missed, heck, we had some marathon boozing sessions, just him, me, and twelve cocktail waitresses every Thursdays! And when we passed that bill on mand - mandy - mandidairy cheating in exams for students, man, how we laughed! Both of us cheated our way through universality, only difference being I was never caught.'

Edward Kennerty had become something of an icon to millions of Americans, with his unique mixture of supporting feminism and groping waitresses, supporting peace and praising the IRA, and supporting his own Democratic Party while trying to single-handedly destroy any chances it ever got of taking control of America.

'Let me just say this', President Barack Roomlawya said from his 18th Century theme park in Washington DC, 'I greatly admired Senator Kennerty. No matter what slings and arrows of - I think we can now safely say - outrageous fortune befelt him, he always, categorically and decisively, had a glass which was neither half full nor half empty, it was both full and empty at the same time. Well, in two seconds' time.'

Kennerty's funeral will be held on Friday, and will be attended by family members and friends such as medical adviser Dr. Guiness Salesmann, feminist leader Ms. Les Mistacchio, Playboy magazine owner Gropey O'Leerer, and the president of the Thank Heavens Irish Americans Know Nothing About Ireland And Thanks For All The Money Club, Gerry Adams.

The Bishop of Boston, Mick MacMickey, will hold the service, and there will be a singsong afterwards in the Shamrock and Blarnicle Bar in Ted's honor. Members of the public are asked not to attend the singsong, in case they get arrested in the mass drunken brawl that will follow.

Edward Moore Kennerty, 1866 - 2009.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

65 readers are online right now!

Go to top