Dear Monsignor Dubois,
First, allow me to say how honored the parish was to attend your consecration as Monsignor. My wife and I have followed your career with great joy. You were the priest who did our premarital counseling, as well as peforming the actual wedding ceremony.
I especially remember that you encouraged us to continually seek out new ways to keep our "physical" relationship new and exciting. We both have kept abreast of all the magazine articles and have attended six Jesuit Marriage Encounters. All in all, we feel that the physical expression of our love has been more than good; it's been great.
My beautiful wife, Annabell, was reading one of our favorite "how to" magazines, Hustler, and in the letters section we read about bondage; and, to be honest, we were both quite interested in the practice. In fact, Annabell went so far as to order leather outfits, masks, whips, chains, nipple pinchers, penis vices, cattle prods, and many other items from eCumonme.
We understand that Annabell will play the part of the dominatrix, while I shall be her sex slave, or however it works out; we'll just have to wait and see.
Our problem is we neither know how to play the game nor how to come up with a "safe" word. You are such an expert in the field of human sexuality, we thought you might instruct us, once again, as you did in our premarital classes. Would you be willing to teach us the proper approach to this new, and exciting, game?
Bret and Annabell Morrison
Dear B&A M,
I would love to work with you. Before we begin, it would behoove you to find a glossary of bondage terms such as "Lick my toe jam--what Annabell will say to you as she whips you (into a frenzy, of course).
Also, I want you, Bret, to learn all about autoerotic semi-suffocation. Unfortunately, following the death of David Carradine in Bancock, this practice has come under a great deal of criticism, all unwarranted. Practice hanging yourself from a doorknob with a thin wire-like cord.
Also, learn about inserting large vegatables into your bottom while skewering your woo woo with safety pins, ten penny nails, and large, wooden knitting needles. Believe me, the pain will only intensify your pleasure. I know.
And while you are suffocating yourself, your beautiful wife and I will dominate each other, after she dons a plaid skirt, knee socks, a white blouse and school jacket. I will teach her to jump on a tampoline and land atop me (for safety reasons, of course.
Oh, the are a few other item to tend to before our lessons begin. See that your life insurance is up to date, and add me as a beneficiary. It's only a formality, you understand. And I will also need to know where your safety deposit box is located. Things like that, you know.
I can hardly wait to begin the begine!
Monsignor Francois Dubois, S.J.