Dear Fr. Francis,
I am thirteen-years-old and have been having a problem in school. It's really embarrassing, but since you're a priest and can't tell anybody what I say in confession, I'll tell you what's going on.
There's this girl in my class, whose name I won't mention. Anyway, Alice sits behind me in class. She's really pretty, too--tall and slender, with chestnut colored hair and amber eyes and lllleeeeggggssss that make an ass out of themselves.
Yesterday, I dropped my pencil on the floor and it rolled just behing my desk. When I bent over to pick it up, I found myself looking directly up Alice's skirt. I saw, I saw her, I saw her p-p-p-an-pant-p-p-p-anties. It was either her panties or it was a glimpse of Heaven. Either way, I blacked out, fell out of my chair and woke up in the school nurse's office.
Alice was there, too. She was looking at me with this little smile on her face, like the one the Mona Lisa smiles in the painting, you know. All of the sudden, my pee pee got stiff as a board and it poked up my slacks. It looked like a tent. Then Alice moved closer to me and put her hand down there, and Holy Moly, Father! I exploded--down there, I mean.
The nurse smiled at me and Alice and told Alice to walk me home "just to make sure I got there safely."
We left the school an hour before the rest of the kids, and Alice suggested we walk through the woods on the way home. I said that was fine.
When we were in the deep woods, we came to a tree that had branches close enough to swing on. Alice jumped up and was swinging back and forth, back and forth. Her skirt kept flying up and I saw her panties again, and WHAMO-down I went, out cold again.
When I woke up, Alice had that weird smile on her face again, and she touched my crotch again and I exploded again.
"There, now," she said. "Do you feel better?"
"I guess," I told her.
She said I'm going to climb up in the tree and you watch me, OK?"
I told her I didn't think that was a good idea and she asked me why I thought it wasn't.
"Because I can see your panties, and it makes me all gooie inside," I admitted.
Alice just laughed and told me not to worry.
"You won't see my panties, silly. I took them off."
She had, too.
Father, I don't understand what I am feeling and I didn't know what a girl's woo-hoo looked like until Alice showed hers to me. Now I have a real problem. My thingy is hard all the time, unless I rub it till it explodes again. is this a sin?
There is nothing sinful about growing up, Johnny. When I was reading your letter, I was reminded of an old song we used to sing at Catholic Boy Scout camp outs. It went like this:
Where Sally first showed it to me.
It was hairy and black,
And she called it her crack.
But it looked like a man-hole to me.
So I shoved in my ninety foot pole.
Yes. I rammed it down deep in her hole.
When she started to scream,
Well, I filled her with cream.
Underneath of my old Model T.
I'm sorry, Johhny, what was your question?
Fr. Francois Dubois, S.J.