Written by Charlie Burrows
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Friday, 13 August 2004

image for Police Swoop on Home of English Literature Professor Professor Glossop ponders a devilish clue while phoning a friend

In an operation code named “Seven Across,” police made an early morning swoop on the London home of Professor Peter Glossop, the UKs number one authority on English literature.

At a secret location in London, Police now have 36 hours to question Professor Glossop over the crossword clues that they are stumped with.

A Police spokesman made the following statement earlier today from the puzzle scene.

Although we take our duties to the public very seriously indeed, we also view our break times just as seriously too and when we get stuck for an answer to our weekly crossword competition entry, then the full weight of the law must be used to contain such unfortunate situations. We had no alternative therefore but to respond accordingly.

Our investigations have been fruitless so far but intelligence we have now gathered during the questioning of professor Glossop indicates that the correct answer to three down, “How many mice are mentioned in the nursery rhyme three blind mice;” is in fact three. However, if this is proven to be the situation, then seven across, “What girl had an adventure in Wonderland,” is not “Tammy” as we first suspected and so the hunt for a female name ending in E has now got underway with a fingertip search through all possible dictionaries and we are quietly confident that a completion is now eminent.

However, If anyone has any information regarding six across, “What did the cat play in the nursery rhyme Hey Diddle Diddle?” (6 letters) then please contact us immediately. Your call will be treated in strict confidentiality and all clues will be followed up. Investigations into Victorian artwork point to the answer being a Violin but we have a confirmed ID as; blank, blank, D, D, L, Blank and so the word violin cannot be positively identified at this time.

At this point however, we would like to make the public aware that in the event of a terrorist attack, candle wax should be rubbed all over any uncompleted crossword puzzles you are working on to prevent them from being filled in and completed by a person or persons unknown.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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