Written by Wire Piddle
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Sunday, 9 August 2009

image for Michael Jackson Was A Pickpocket - The Story Of Mark Lester's Sperm "Please Sir. I want some more."

Mark Lester, the aging thespian who was made famous by playing the lead role in Oliver, is convinced he is the father of at least two of Michael Jackson's children. He was officially made the children's godfather upon their births. Because of this, it is customary for the god parent to take an interest in the child's upbringing should the mother or father die prematurely. However, this position has taken an interesting twist, as explained here in Mark Lester's own words.

"Michael used to come and visit me every now and then. He was obsessed with child stars and would contact them in the hopes of striking up a friendship. Unfortunately, I was on his list. We met in the early eighties, just about the time he began to go off the deep end. I don't know if it was his mind or what, but he pushed to maintain a relationship, one that I think in the long run, I would begin to deeply regret."

"As the 1990's came around, it was becoming obvious that Michael would not ever become your average, middle aged, 'let's go down to the pub after work and have a pint' kind of bloke. He was becoming exceedingly obsessed with his youth, he bagan hanging around prepubescent children and wearing ladies knickers on shopping sprees in Vegas. I believe he created Neverland as a kind of 'fountain of youth', a Shangri-La, and a reason for him to have helicopter rides with Elizabeth Taylor.

"Physically, he was transforming himself into his only mentor, Diana Ross, albeit a white version. As he reached the cusp of middle age, he had expressed his interest in having children of his own, but it was obvious to anyone that he did not have the social outlets nor the disposition to find and attract a mate. Thus he began soliciting his close friends for ideas on how to procreate via artificial means."

"I was one of his closest confidantes in this matter, due to my superior genetics - I was one of the few british people he had ever met who did not require major dental reconstruction, and the fact that I was a practising physician, quite a contrast to the run-of-the-mill miscreants and intellectually deficient layabouts he had surrounded himself with."

"Coincidentally, it was about this time that I had become obsessed with my immortality and this neurosis led me to begin collecting my sperm and storing them in used juice tetrapaks that I would place in my fridge."

"Curiously, it was during a visit that Michael Jackson paid to me during this phase that I noticed several tetrapaks in my collection go missing. There is no doubt in my mind that he had stolen them from my fridge and smuggled out of the country on a cryogenically equipped jet. Nine months later, he announced the first of his birthing experiments - Paris Jackson."

"When he subsequently called me up and requested that I be the child's godfather, I was in shock. He was basically asking me to be godfather to my own child. I agreed and decided at that time and place, I would do everything in my power to stake a claim as the genetic father of the child. However, as time wore on, it became evident that a has-been child actor with very limited financial means, such as myself, was no match for the 'King of Pop'.

"It is only now, after his death, with his financial legacy in turmoil, his lackies all having been dismissed, that I feel comfortable to enact a plan to win my rightful place in the children's lives."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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