WASHINGTON, D.C. - Reporters covering the White House Beer Summit were kept away from the 'Happy Table' by a distance of 50 feet so that they could not hear the conversation between President Barack Obama, Vice-President Joe Biden, Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates, and Sgt. James Crowley.
So the president, the vice-president, the policeman, the professor, and Mary Ann all sat around drinking their brewski's talking away thinking that no one could hear them. Wrong barley breaths.
Covington Broussard a reporter with The Syracuse Gazette Sentinel has developed a unique Neptune Brand Uni-Mini-Microphone M-99 that can actually pick up conversations from as far away as 600 feet (that's the length of two football fields).
And Broussard claims to have heard every word that the 'four beer buddies' spoke. He said that when they all first sat down the president turned to Vice-President Biden and said, "Now Joe, remember what I told ya. Whenever one of our beers gets about half way down, I want you to go to the White House kitchen and fetch us another one."
"Yes sir Mr. President. Gotcha sir."
Professor Gates turned towards the president and asked him if he had actually said the word fetch.
"Yeah, I said the word fetch. Why?"
"Because, sir. With all due respect we are sitting in the beautiful Rose Garden of the magnificent White House. We're not at some neighborhood bar and grill up in Detroit."
"Whoa bro! Now listen here Henry. And listen good dude. Do not ever forget that I am the president. I ain't one of your college students. I ain't one of your smart aleck fellow college professors. And I certainly ain't one of your nosey-ass neighbors. So do not, and let me repeat that. Do not ever question my language again. Does you understand me brother?"
"Yes sir I do."
"Good, because I sure as hell don't need another dadgum Rev. Al Sharpton razzing on my ass telling me that I should say this or that I should do that.
I tell ya what between Rev. Al Sharpton, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, and Rev. Jesse Jackson, I do swear it's enough to make a brother want to become a Jew."
Biden laughed, "Hey Barry that's a good one buddy."
"Thanks Joe, now how 'bout you hoppin' on over to the kitchen and gettin' us all another cold one."
"Cold one sir?"
"A beer Joe, a brewski, a cerveza, dammit, I swear that sometimes I feel like I'm talkin' to that ditzy blonde Paris Hilton."
As Joe left, Sgt. Crowley leaned over and asked the president if he felt that he had made the right choice by choosing Biden over Hillary (Clinton) for vice-president.
The president replied that at times like these he kinda feels like maybe he didn't. But then deep down he likes Joe because they are both burger buddies.
Gates asked Obama if he thought that Hillary was pretty. Obama smiled and said, "Yeah, I think she's pretty, in a good-lookin' sort of way."
The professor then asked what Nancy Pelosi was really like. The president said that Pelosi's husband had told him some very personal and extremely intimate things about her that he found very hard to believe.
"Such as what?" Crowley asked.
"Well just between the three of us. I understand that Nancy has the 'lady garden' of a 25-year-old."
"No way." Gates intoned.
"Yes, way." Obama replied. "Now hush up fellas, Joe's on his way back out here."
As Joe distributed the beers the president said that they were gonna play a game. Each one would get to tell a joke and whoever told the best joke would not have to pay any income taxes for 2009.
They all agreed. The president said that the professor would go first.
Gates stood up. He thought for a moment and then he said that a woman went to see a sex therapist because she was not having any orgasms.
He told her that she needed an incentive. So he suggested that from now on that she put a dime in a jar every time that she had an orgasm. He then told her to come back in four weeks.
When she returned he asked her, "Okay so how much money is in the jar?"
And she replied, "A nickel."
"Okay sarge, you're next."
Crowley stood up and said, when I was a junior in high school I remember once going out with the girl that had the biggest boobs in the whole school.
We drove over to the local 'Lover's Lane' and parked. I quickly got to first base and it wasn't long before I was on second ever so gently caressing her gorgeously nubile boobs.
I was feeling good and then I whispered, "hey baby, lets get in the backseat." after a short pause, she replied, "I-AM-IN-THE-BACKSEAT FOOL!"
Alright. Okay Joe, it's your turn.
Joe stood up, took a sip of his Buckler's beer and asked if laughing hyenas ever get depressed.
The president looked at him and said "Joe that is not a friggin' joke dude."
"Oh, I know Mr. President, but it's just something that I've been wondering about since last Thursday.
Now here's my joke. Mr. Himalayo Kanshu recently celebrated his 65th birthday. Kanshu works as a sheepherder high in the mountains of Tibet. He has fathered a total of 697 children. When he was asked how in the world he manages to remember all 697 names, Kanshu replied, "Remembering all 697 names is a piece of cake...it's trying to crowd everybody into our Toyota Highlander on Sunday mornings that's a pain in the yak!"
Okay, and fellas here now is my joke. I friend of mine said that his sister told him that she thinks that her marriage might be in trouble.
He asked her why she thought that. And she told him, that one day last week her husband had come home at 4 AM, with alcohol on his breath, red lipstick on his collar, cheap perfume on his shirt, and a sexy blonde slut on his arm.
Okay gentlemen. I love being the president. Because among all of my 700 plus duties, I also get to decide things of a personal nature, such as which of the four jokes that I just heard is the best. And after careful deliberation, I have decided that the last joke is the winner."
The president looked at each of his three drinking buddies and asked, does anyone here disagree with my decision?"
"Ah, the loveliness of presidential power. Okay now, guys, I think it's time for a presidential pee, whatcha all say?"
The four gentlemen went around the corner to an OBoy that had been set up between the oleander bushes and the bougainvillea bushes and took a presidential leak.
The beer summit ended and Professor Gates and Sgt. Crowley were both driven home by designated drivers, Hillary Clinton, and the newly appointed Supreme Court Judge Sonia Sotomayor.
In a related story. The president says that there is absolutely no truth to the rumor that the White House press secretary wanted to get a picture of the four drinking buddies all sitting together on top of one of the Budweiser Clydesdale Horses.