Written by Asheville Jack
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Sunday, 2 August 2009

Washington,DC - Sgt. James Crowley of the Cambridge Police department and Professor Henry "Skip" Gates of Harvard sat down with President Obama today in the Oval Office.

The following is a transcript of their conversations as released by the White House press office.

Obama: Welcome Skip - Welcome Sgt. Crowley.

Sgt. Crowley: Thank you Mr. President.

Prof. Gates: Thank you Mr. President.

Obama: I told the press that the three of us would get together, maybe have a beer and hash things out. Lets see what we can accomplish today.

Obama, to Sgt. Crowley: do you mind if I call you Jim?

Sgt Crowley: Yes, I do mind, call me Sgt. Crowley.

Obama: That's so kind of you Jim. May I offer you and Skip some coffee or other refreshment, cookies perhaps?

Sgt: In that case Barack, since you mentioned cookies, let me tell you how this whole mess started. This whole brouhaha started between me and the professor here, with cookies, or donuts actually. I heard on my police radio someone was attempting to break into the professors house. But I knew that had to be a mistake, because college professors don't make enough money to have anything worth stealing, right? You don't make more money than a cop who puts his life on the line every day, do you? Well anyway, I knew that it had to be Prof. Gates returning from his trip to China, and I knew he's probably famished cause I know how much you black folks like to eat. So as a welcome home present I drove down to the Dunkin' Donuts and got a dozen mixed donuts and some fresh hot black coffee. Next, I drove up to the professors house and I knocked on his door, coffee and donuts in hand. I laughed and said, "I heard that someone was trying to break into your house and I wanted to welcome you backā€¦" But then he swung open the door and said, "Why, cause I'm a black man in America," all angry and tremulous like. Next thing I know he's knocked the donuts and coffee out of my hands and stared hollering all kinds of crazy un-American stuff. I had no choice but to handcuff him and take him down to the station for his own safety.

Obama: Well, that explains that. I guess I should have waited for all the facts to come in, indeed.

Prof: Now wait a fricken' moment here Barack. That's not what happened at all. You and I are friends, black friends, going all the way back to when you were a student here at Harvard. So who you gonna believe, me or some lily white cop suffering from mental illness. Let me tell you what really happened. When I got home my front door was jammed and I had to put my shoulder to it, you know to open it up, when some crazy women started hollering at me that she was gonna call the cops. Well hell Barack, I knew right then there was gonna be big trouble, what with being a black man in America and all. I remember thinking to myself there's gonna be a boatload of crap pulling up to my dock any moment now, and so I better be ready. Hell Barack, folks like you and me, we have enough trouble just being black in America, what with the heavy foot of oppression on our necks keeping us down, not letting us succeed or get ahead, you know what I mean? And sure enough, this Sgt. Crowley knocks on my door and demands that I show identification, while I'm standing in my own home. Things got kinda hazy for me after that. Next thing I know I'm in the back of the police car. I tell the sergeant that you and me, we're friends and the sergeant tells me, "I might beat the rap, but I won't beat the ride"

Obama: Quiet you two! Let me think for a moment here. If I side with you Skip, a life long friend, I lose the white vote, and if I side with the good sergeant I lose the black vote. I need to figure our what to do next. If only I hadn't killed that overseas rendition program I could get to the truth.

Prof: I'll take that beer now.

Sgt: Can I get mine to go?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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