We all love animals and pets, and some of us particularly love horses. Such noble and attractive animals, intelligent and beautiful, equally at home as transport in the country or as sporting animals at the race course, they make our lives just that little bit more pleasant.
But some people cruelly mistreat horses and fill them with poisonous drugs, and starve them til their ribs look like a toast rack, and their naturally large teeth take on the appearance of two rows of cemetery stones bulging out of a shrunken head.
Here at The Amy Winehouse Horse Sanctuary we take in such sadly abused and neglected horses, and give them a new and happy life. We feed them our special Craksnak horse nuts, and only the finest distilled juice from potato peelings.
Our horses are groomed five times a day, and one of them once won a fourth prize rosette at the Macclesfield Horse Show in the Beehive and Fleatrap Presentation Class.
But our horses need more than loving care and extensive dental treatment, more than someone to teach them to stop kicking and lashing out at anyone they feel like. They especially need help to teach them to stop making dreadful and deafening neighing noises for hours on end, noises that sound like a dyspeptic frog being strangled by a seagull with laryngitis.
So please, please help us by sending your money to The Sanctuary - don't say 'No, no, no!' There's a horse here with huge teeth and dreadful hair, enough toxins in its body to supply a branch of Boots, one that has kicked half of the staff round the stables, and one that makes a more dreadful sound than an out-of-tune yodeller having his kidney cut out without an anaesthetic. You can help that poor, deprived horse.
[Please make cheques payable to: The Amy Winehouse Horse Sanctuary Plc (incorporating The Janis Joplin Performing Flea Circus and The Tony Blair Poodle Club)
Cash donations also welcome. Send to : That Bloke That Hangs Around The New King's Road On A Friday, Fulham, London.]