Written by matwil
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Thursday, 30 July 2009

image for Mystic Magwitch's 2010 Predictions 'I also predict that this symbol will be shown the wrong way round by the well-informed management here'

Astrologer and part-time charlatan Mystic Magwitch today made her predictions for the world in 2010, and here in The Sunset we can exclusively reveal them to you. And all for just believing everything you read in the papers.

2010:

January - Freezing weather sweeps across Great Britain, plunging the nation into chaos. Snow, sleet, black ice, freezing fog, none of which have ever happened before in Great Britain. Government scientists rip up their 'global warming' pamphlets, and start writing 'imminent Ice Age' ones

February - Unseasonal hot weather sweeps across Great Britain, plunging Britain into more chaos, and causing journalists to be shocked and amazed and papers to print pictures of unseasonal lambs and daffodils. Price of bread goes up to £3 a loaf

March - Prime Minister Gordon Brown mysteriously resigns, 'to spend more time with my family'. Gordon Brown's family ask 'who is Gordon Brown?'

April - American President Barack Obama makes a speech from Ulan Bator in Mongolia. Nobody notices. Conservative leader David Cameron replaced by a garden gnome. Nobody notices

May - England fail to win whichever international sport they're trying to win at. MPs start their 3-month annual holiday - I mean recess - at taxpayers' expense

June - Silly season starts, and will last until the end of August. A sudden new form of 'flu' will appear, affecting approximately 18 people across Britain, but managing to fill up page after page of newsprint and hour after hour of television news every week. 18 people will die in car crashes across the UK every day in June

July - The USA will announce a 'surge' in Iraq or Afghanistan, or a 'swelling', or an 'acceleration', or any comic book term to get Americans to believe they can ever win a war. Iraqi oil will continue to reach American shores, as will opium from Afghanistan

August - US President Barack Obama apologises to the world for America ignoring endless UN resolutions. 'The last people to do that were Japan and Nazi Germany', he said, 'lucky Americans have been ignoring those resolutions out of a love for democracy and freedom.'

'I guess the rest of the world was wrong, and George W Bush, an alcoholic drug addict who couldn't even read an autocue properly, was right, and his father wasn't a war criminal when he was President. But I apologise anyway, which will be a comfort to the hundreds of thousands of dead civilians in Iraq and Palestine.'

September - New Prime Minister is appointed in Britain without an election. New EU Commissioners appointed without an election. WRVS leader appointed with an election

October - Resurgence of swine/bird/hamster/conger eel 'flu in newspapers. Newspaper sales fall again. Hundreds more Americans die in Middle East, trying to defeat what are basically amateur bandits and tribesmen armed with ancient rifles. President Obama responds by going on a trip to the Antarctic. There he receives his pay check from the Israeli Defense Force, with a big 'Thank You!' card to go with it

November - Russians stay silent about the Russian revolution, and silent about being very tough people that lost 10 million soldiers in World War Two. And silent about Russia and China now dominating the world.

Americans don't stay silent on the 4th. of July about a fictional 'revolution', which was only a colonial civil war fought by and won by British people, and has changed nothing in America except for the redesign of their red, white and blue flag, which existed long before 1776.

But Americans DO stay silent about not a single American soldier landing in Europe until 1944, when the British and Soviets had basically already won World War Two apart from finishing it off, and Americans DO stay silent about funding the world's worst fascist nation of Israel

December - Millions of Christians across the world celebrate Christmas, the birthday of Jesus. Despite the fact that Jesus was Jewish and wasn't born in December. And didn't have the name Jesus. And had a very human mother, who was already pregnant when she married his father.

And despite Jesus never dieing on any cross or being resurrected. 'Luckily Christmas wasn't invented by the Romans to persuade pagans to become Christians, and hasn't been hijacked by big businesses to make lots and lots of money', Saint Paul will say from the grave.

Israel will commit more war crimes and massacres against the Palestinians, Barack Obama will pretend not to notice

'So, readers, it's going to be another fun-packed year! Unless you're a meterologist, a bread eater, a Prime Minister, an American President, a Conservative leader, an English sportsman, an American soldier, a heroin addict, a Christian, or a Palestinian. Happy 2010!'

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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