Written by Chamone
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Tags: The Spoof

Sunday, 26 July 2009

image for Is America Really The Land of the Free

Hello. I am writing today about my upcoming visit to America.

I am visiting my close friend Duncan who lives in Savannah, Georgia very soon. It is not a sex holiday. It is simply a friendly visit in which I will wear tiny tight bikini's and get wet and sticky in the hot, humid Savannah climate.

What I was wondering is whether the things they say about America are true?
Is it the Land of the Free?

Can I walk into a shop and just take stuff without paying?
Will I get in trouble for ordering a large tub of chicken nuggets and then walking out without handing over any cash?

Can I walk into somebody's house and take their television (ours at home is broken and being repaired by that man who takes pictures of naked animals)?

I have heard that American's can be friendly but that they own guns. Could I take their gun back home? Would they get annoyed?

I am so confused with these customs and traditions.

I know that I am allowed to beat black people and that Indians are fair game for a slapping, but is it really encouraged that children are allowed walk into schools and shoot at each other?
In my old school that was forbidden - except on Sports Sunday! O, the fun we had when Mrs. Bicklesburn went psychotic with that land mine...

I have heard that the American Flag is treated as a special item. So I suppose I can't wipe my arse in it then if I get 'caught short' while out on a picnic or something?

Do American's allow rollerskating naked by Moonlight? I've heard hat the roads in Savannah are very smooth and I'd love to try, seeing as I can't skate at home due to the roads being like cracked dried shit!

I just realised that I can't get an answer to these questions by posting them here. Maybe I should have just asked the Embassy? -Ally


The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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