Ok. I am obsessed with the Amanda Knox trial and wrote an incredibly CHEESY fake news story to make fun of all the losers who think turning cartwheels makes you seem murderous.
A drastic new turn was introduced into the case of murdered Meredith Kercher Wednesday night, when investigators found what they believed to be an incriminating board game at the residence of Ruffalito Sohlizaki, suspected in her death. The game was found in a cereal box at Shitaki's apartment. It appears to resemble a Ouja Board, with a spinner in the vague shape of a *****, leading police to hypothesize that the game might be sexual in nature, and that it may involve a twisted sex ritual.
No traces of blood were discovered on or near the game, or anything else to link it to the murder. However, the game was suspicious enough to warrant...suspicion. Many people question the prevalance of twenty-year-olds playing a board game and believe that their odd behavior is cause for questioning.
Knox's obsession with board games might help to elucidate her murderous nature. People who play games often have violent drives to win at all costs, says psychologist Mario, of Nintendo 64. Chronic gamers are also known to exhibit strange sexual behavior and are prone to go on murderous rampages when their sex needs are not met. It has been scientifically proven. "For example, ever since the game was released based on my fascinating life, I've received 1,394,687,908,112 death threats and approximately 400,477,000 naughty letters from people who disagree with (or fetishize) my mustache. When I refused to shave if off, some angry protestors even threw remote controlls through their television sets. Angry bambinos have killed me 376, 78,9382,1839,277,38593,393838,3000,000,000 times," he attests.
Prosecutors have formulated a complex new theory to describe how the inner makings of the board game may have contributed to a brutal murder.
Says Guiliano Mignini, lead prosecutor in the case, "I talked to Miss Kercher last night, and she's provided me with some important clues about her death. We believe the three suspects used the game to conjure up the Seventh incarnation of Satan, known as Rahshambonosferatupoopiefaceplumbnoodle (translation?). Meredith Kercher, with her superior intellect, was able to win three games out of four. The players were further infuriated when Kercher refused to move her game piece in the fourth game, walking out of the room and stating, "This game is bonkers. I fancy Ruffalito pulled it out of a cereal box. You are a ninny-head and your clothes suck. Oh, and by the way, has anybody seen that eight-thousand-million shillings my beloved Grandmother sent to me? It appears to have mysteriously vanished." It appears that Knox's jealous rage escalated until she stabbed Kercher with a plastic game piece."
The seventh incarnation of Satan, Rashambonosferatupoopiefaceplumbnoodle, is a dangerous criminal who has been on the loose for weeks, stealing people's underwear and kidnapping goats. His whereabouts shed new light on the claim that Miss Knox was shopping for underwear three days after Miss Kercher was attacked.
(Shopping for underwear is also a sign of devil worship.)
Supporters of Knox allege that she might be possessed by the demon himself and/or pregnant with his kid, Rambonosferaturainbowplumbnoodle II, and call for an exorcism and/or an abortion.
"This might explain Knox's strange behavior," states her lawyer. Critics of Amanda often point to her unusual, nefarious behavior. When police raided her apartment, for example, she was found cooking bacon with a skillet that was the wrong size for bacon-cooking, with a pair of underwear draped from the spatula. It was too early after the murder to be eating anything, say suspicious people. Everyone KNOWS that after someone is murdered, you're supposed to fast for seven days and beat yourself with a plank of wood until you bleed (*heh. Monty Python reference J).
She also shops for underwear on weekdays, wears American clothing and occasionally dresses like a vampire, they point out. (* Meredith Kercher dressed up like a vampire on Halloween.)
Meanwhile Italian police have also taken into custody fourteen other shoppers at the underwear store Miss Knox frequented, in addition to Mr. Jones and Timothy Egan's mother.
Excuse my mispronunciation of Sollecito's name. :)