Bargis Tryhol, aka Agent 004, aka The Man With the World's Largest Penis was a cautious man. How else would he have been able to stay in the game for so long if he weren't?
But as he got out of his Alfa Romero and surveyed the scene something nagged at his unconcious.
The street was clogged with traffic; expensive forigen cars creeped along as their respective drivers kept an eye out for parking or a valet. Just a normal Friday night in Downtown Miami. At least the Alfa blended in with the scenery.
An contact of Bargis's had an associate who possesed invaluable information pertaining to BlowMe and CRAP and their plans for world domination.
His mysterious new informant had instructed Bargis to be at the newest, hippest hotspot in town, which was coincidentally called HotSpot at midnight.
It was now 9:30 as Bargis made his way to the club for his appointment. He always arrived early for these types of meetings to look the place over, note the exits but most importantly to scout the place for talent- of which the Miami club scene had no shortage of.
In fact, Agent 004 had had several 'auditions' since his arrival nearly five hours ago.
Gorgeous women wearing a few strategically placed scraps of fabric-- that's what passed for clothing in the hot, steamy metropolis of Miami.
He couldn't turn around without bumping into one or two scantily clad women. Or six- he did have the world's biggest penis afterall.
The line of the HotSpot was long and filled with women- the type of which I previously mentioned.
Bargis decided to forgo the que and instead sneak around to the back entrance. It certainly wasn't the first backdoor entry he'd made today and he sincerely hoped it wouldn't be the last.
Bargis jimmyed the locked door and within seconds he was inside the club. A few seconds later as he was making his way to VIP, a horse voice and a calloused hand stopped him.
"What are you doing here?" demanded the voice.
When Bargis turned his head, he faced the ugliest transexual he'd ever seen- and Bargis had indeed seen his fair share of trannies. A bull in a dress would've been easier on the eyes than what was in front of him now.
Before Bargis could come up with a cool, off-the-cuff reply, the trannie said, "The entry for contestants of Stripper Search is by the front entrance. Didn't you see the sign, silly?"
Before Bargis could answer, the trannie grabbed him by the hand.
"I guess I'll take you over myself. C'mon." And with that the trannie dragged Bargis down a maze of corridors and to the location where the contestants waited.
"Got another one!" called out the trannie. A small, wiry man holding a clipboard suddenly appeared in front of them.
"Thanks, Gail. Keep an eye out for anymore contestants, okay?"
Gail nodded, turned on her 4-inch heels and made her way back to her post.
Bargis wasn't sure what was going on exactly, but he felt it was in his best interest to keep quiet and go with the flow for now.
"Name," asked Clipboard man.
"Carey," replied Bargis. It was the first name he thought of.
Clipboard man scanned the list and shook his head. "Nope, no Carey on the list."
Bargis suddenly had an idea. "Try Bargis. Carey is just my stage name."
Clipboard man looked the list over again and then nodded an affirmative.
"Okay, go in the room behind me and get changed. Then go to the DJ booth and give them your music. After that just wait with the other contestants. You can't miss them."
Clipboard man paused to take a breath before continuing. "You're the last one here and the dance contest starts in 20 minutes, so you'd better hurry it up."
Clipboard man finally looked up from his clipboard and he gave Bargis an appraising look. "You're a little old for this, aren't you? And where's your costume?"
"I'm in better shape than most of your other contestants, I'm sure," said Bargis indignantly. "As for my costume, I'm wearing it. I'm a Secret Agent."
Clipboard man looked him up and down again, pausing at the impressive bulge in Bargis's pants before saying, "True enough.
"I gotta warn you though, you'll be competing against a Fireman, a Construction Worker and a Police Officer."
Clipboard man shook his head, "I don't think a Secret Agent gimmick is gonna do it for these ladies. They're a tough crowd."
Bargis smiled at Clipboard man and shook his head. Being a secret agent had worked pretty well with the ladies so far. He wasn't worried.
Next, Bargis went to the DJ booth to pick his music.
He was at a loss, as his music tastes ran toward smooth jazz and other music genres that helped generate a "mood". He decided to ask the DJ for her help.
She suggested the electronica hit from the early '90s "What is Love?" by Haddaway.
When Bargis confessed he didn't know this particular tune, the DJ helpfully replied that it was the song the Roxbury Guys danced to in the Saturday Night Live skits.
Then she started moving her head from side to side as if listning to a song. Bargis agreed- mostly because she had big tits and they jiggled as nodded her head. Then Bargis waited with the other contestants until his name was announced.
While the other, younger men poked fun at Bargis's age- the Cowboy even warned him that he might break a hip and advised him to go play Bingo instead- Bargis mulled over this recent turn of events.
After he punched the Cowboy in the face, of course.
Whoever this informant was, they knew him well enough to know he'd show up early for their meeting.
They knew he'd sneak into the club rather than wait in line like a loser.
They even reserved a spot for him to compete in Stripper Search! Who was this person?
When the Fireman had done his thing, the emcee came on the loudspeaker.
"Up next, ladies, is HotSpot's very own 'Secret Agent Man'! Ladies, give it up for BARGIS!"
With "What is Love?" blaring from every speaker in the club, Bargis made his debut upon the stripper's stage.
He shimmied out of his dinnerjacket and threw it aside. Then he undid his silk tie, and then ran it between his legs in a flossing motion. The audience seemed to like this and they cheered him on.
Next, Bargis ripped open his dress shirt (this pained him because he liked this shirt and he'd never be able to find the buttons to sew them back on) and flung it to the audience. The screams of excitement grew in pitch.
Off came the belt. He undid it and pulled it slowly from the belt loops.
When his belt was completely off he held on to the buckle and slapped the stage with it like a whip. He did it again. And again. With each slap the all female audience squealed with delight.
The only thing left was the pants and he gyrated as he unbuttoned and unzipped them slooooooowly.
He focused his attention on one particular young woman. She was tanned, beautiful, wearing next to nothing and everything on her was bouncing. She parted her pouty, glossy lips into an inviting smile.
And then Bargis Tryhol 004 took off his pants. He wore no underwear beneath them.
For a moment the cheers and screaming stopped. The audience and everyone else in the club was stunned into silent awe. Such was the magnficence of his lance.
Then the screaming broke into a crescendo, and before anyone knew what was happening, the women in the audience had stormed the stage and were on Bargis in moments.
As Bargis passed out, he could hear the emcee over the loudspeaker say, "Well, I think we all know who'll be taking home the 'Golden G-String' tonight!"
UPDATE: Although, Bargis missed his meeting with the mysterious informant, and despite the fact that his pelvis was shattered, Bargis took some comfort in the fact that he had won Stripper Search.
Too bad the 'Golden G-String' was much, much too small.
The rest of the prize pack included:
A lifetime supply of personal lubricant
A year of free tanning at Fake Bake
A free softdrink with a purchase of a bucket of chicken at McClucky's.
Carte Blanche At HotSpot, which went out of business after two months.