Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Monday, 13 July 2009

image for Bargis Tryhol - Secret Agent 004 (Chapter 7) Bargis Tryhol's beautiful Mexican lady friend relaxing on the beach at Cozumel, Mexico.

IN SEARCH OF THE MISSING TIERRA DEL FUEGO TIARA

It was a rather extremely warm day in the Somalian capital of Mogadishu. The bright red sun beat down mercilessly on the Indian Ocean causing the water to actually come to a quasi-boil.

The sharp penetrating rays of the cherry-colored sun hammered the town's inhabitants causing sunburns that were lobsteresque in hue.

But all that did not really matter one diet iota or one non-caloric smidgen to Bargis Tryhol because he was sprawled out on a Salma Hayek Cabana Lounge Chair on one of the beautiful white sand beaches of the Mexican resort town of Cozumel.

Yes, Bargiso Tryholo, as the Cozumel natives called him, was relaxing on the beachfront of the Hotel Mi Lapiz Es Azul, a luxurious five star hotel regarded by Teenybopper Magazine as the Latin Lap of Luxury.

The 34-year-old Welsh secret agent was in paradise. He had a Tequila Sunrise in his left hand, a habanero nacho in his right hand, and a Margarita perfectly perched on his lap.

He soon drank down the Tequila Sunrise, ate the volcanic habanero nacho, and got down to business with the tastefully delicious Margarita.

Yes, 22-year-old Margarita De Las Mamasitas was a ravishing Mexican beauty who was the only daughter of Cozumel's Mayor Antonio "The Taco Kid" De Las Mamasitas.

De Las Mamasitas had been a world champion boxer in his younger days. When he retired he had a 103-1 record.

His lone loss came at the hands of Kid Guacamole, who in the third round of their championship bout in Tijuana's Eva Longoria-Parker Arena hit The Taco Kid on his left kneecap with a machete handle, when the referee was not looking. That blow ended the fight.

It was unfortunate that the instant replay did not show the machete handle actually hitting The Taco Kid. Somehow one of the scantily-clad fight round number poster girl's had totally blocked the fight view.

Sadly that injury put an end to The Taco Kid's career who was forced into retirement under The 1994 Tonya Harding Ice Skating/Boxing Mandate.

Meanwhile back at the Hotel Mi Lapiz Es Azul. Tryhol in order to protect his secret identity had checked into the hotel under the alias Tryhol Bargis - Secret Agent Double 0 Cinco.

As he was laying out on the beach all of a sudden he heard the song "In A Gadda Da Vida" by Iron Butterfly playing. After a few moments he realized that it was the phone song that he had recently entered into his cell phone.

He answered it and right away he recognized the voice at the other end. It was his boss informing him that his secret agent services were required.

Agent 004 was told that his assignment was to fly down to Tierra Del Fuego, Argentina and do some investigating. It seems that the infamous Tiera Del Fuego Tiara had been stolen from The Empanada De La Pinata South American Beauty Pageant Museum.

The museum curator Chubasco Cuernavaca said that during the night thieves had broken into the museum and made off with the diamond studded tiara, which is valued at $7.3 million.

Tryhol quickly took out his English-to-Spanish dictionary and explained to Margarita why he was having to brush her off (she had actually fallen onto the sand).

Bargis explained to her in broken Spanish that he was having to leave her in the middle of their "Ole Toro" session because duty called.

Margarita told the "Tryholster" that she somewhat understood. She got out of the rope hammock and started putting all of her El Wal-Marto clothes back on.

Meanwhile, Tryhol checked out of his hotel and took a cab to The Montezuma's Revenge Airport. He boarded a Trans Tamale Airways jet for Tierra Del Fuego, which is an archipelago located at the southernmost tip of South America.

Tryhol arrived at The Tierra Del Fuego Numero 2 Airport and was greeted by the lusciously sultry Senorita Carmen Miranda (no relation to the Carmen Miranda with the fruit salad on her head).

Senorita Miranda, who was wearing a pink No Where Else But Tierra Del Fuego T-Shirt and a white micro-miniskirt, drove him to a Tacos 'R' Us where they sat out on the patio and she briefed him on the situation.

As Miranda briefed him Tryhol could not help but notice that Miranda was not wearing any underwear.

Miss Miranda soon noticed Tryhol noticing her crotch region and she asked if there was something wrong.

Tryhol smiled, put down his Dos Equis Cerveza (2 X Beer) and said that he was sorry but that he had not heard a single friggin' word that she had said.

Miranda smiled and asked in broken English, "Ease eat perhaps because maybe I am not wearing any, how you say in America?...panties?"

"Ah duh!"

"And what does dees ah duh mean?

"It means like damn wow!"

"Like the famous Hoover Dam in Rhode Island?"

"Well actually the Hoover Dam is in Utah."

"Are you being a smart alligator with me?"

"No, and it's actually smart alec."

Miss Miranda smiled, put down her Pomegranate Margarita and told Tryhol that she was just pulling his arm.

Bargis corrected her by say leg, that the proper cliche was pulling his leg.

Carmen grinned and said, "In jur dreems blue eyes."

Miss Miranda then drove Tryhol to The Mad Matador Motel where he would be staying. She helped him carry his baggage into the room and then she filled him in on the particulars of the goings-on.

She informed him that The Tierra Del Fuego Tiara had once belonged to Salsita Nogales De La Cerveza who had been the 2007 Miss Tierra Del Fuego.

Her father, Milagro De La Cerveza, was a multi-millionaire who owned a bank, a hotel, an auto dealership, an Estrellabucks (Starbucks), and a whorehouse.

He had donated the $7.3 million tiara which his daughter wore in the pageant to the museum. He also added that the museum had forgotten to pay the monthly insurance premium and therefore the tiara was not insured.

Miranda filled in Tryhol on all of the particulars and he told her that getting the tiara back would be a piece of cake. Miranda was so thrilled to hear him say that, that she immediately spread her knees apart giving Tryhol a much better look at her bearded taco (easy bake oven).

Needless to say Miranda and Tryhol hit it off like 'fish and chips.'

The next morning, Tryhol awoke and ordered room service. About ten minutes later, the motel maid knocked on the door with a tray of everything from breakfast bacon and egg tacos, to cheddar cheese smothered burritos, and tasty tamales to stir-fried fajita quesadillas.

After finishing their breakfast, Miranda left to go shopping for some underwear and Tryhol made a call to New York City.

Bargis realized that he had fallen head-over-heels in love with the beautiful Carmen Miranda. He wanted to spend as much time with her as he possibly could before flying back over the pond.

Several years ago Tryhol had helped Pistachio Goombalini, out of a very dangerous situation. Pistachio is the younger brother of Salvatore "The Pizzaman" Goombalini, who is the head of the notorious Goombalini family in New York.

Salvatore Goombalini was extremely grateful to Tryhol. And he told Bargis that any time that he needed a favor that all he had to do was call him and whatever he needed would be taken care of.

Tryhol wanting to spend as much time as he could with Carmen asked Sal if he could help him find the missing Tierra Del Fuego Tiara.

Salvatore told him that he and two of his brothers would be on the next plane to Tierra Del Fuego.

The Goombalini Family is the most powerful mob family in the entire Northern Hemisphere. This family, made up of ten brothers, makes the other mafia syndicate families such as the Genovese's, the Bonanno's, and the Colombo's seem like cub scouts.

Salvatore arrived in TDF with younger brothers Stromboli and Rigagtoni who is known as "Two Ton Tony."

Stromboli had come in brother Garbanzo's place because Garby had recently had a minor 'work-related' trigger finger injury.

Tryhol met with the three Goombalini's at the ritzy Katie Couric's Lamborghini Bar & Grill. The four quickly worked out a plan over an order of the bar and grill's world-famous Archipelago Appetizers.

"Two Ton Tony's" first wife, Tostada, was born and raised in TDF, so he knew his way around the place very well.

Salvatore rented a Lexus SUV and he and his brothers paid a couple of TDF residents a visit.

On their second visit they hit paydirt. An unnamed informant (Cortez Ponce De Leon, Jr.) informed Sal that he knew exactly where the missing Tierra Del Fuego Tiara was located.

Sal was even able to convince Ponce De Leon to take them to the exact spot. The Goombalini's were driven a few miles outside of town to The Straits of Magellan Sardine Processing Plant.

Once there, Ponce De Leon led the three brothers to the office of the plant's head of security Brio Zacatecas. He told them to look in the lower left hand corner desk drawer. Tony did and when he opened the drawer, there it was...the missing Tierra Del Fuego Tiara.

Sal quickly called Tryhol with the good news. Bargis was thrilled beyond belief.

He thanked Salvatore and his brothers. Sal told him that it had been their pleasure. He then told Tryhol that he had personally booked the honeymoon suite at The Flamboyant Flamingo Hotel where he wanted for him and his lady friend to spend a luxurious, all-expenses paid weekend.

An extremely happy Bargis Tryhol flew out of Tierra Del Fuego on Monday.

SIDENOTE: The sardine processing plant's head of security Brio Zacatecas has not been seen or heard from since Salvatore Goombalini and his two brothers visited. There are unconfirmed reports that a gun holster with the initials B.Z. is sitting in Brooklyn's Once Up Pawn A Time Pawn Shop.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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