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Thursday, 2 July 2009

image for Bargis Tryhol, Agent 004 Chapter Three Bargis always said, "I never travel anywhere without a hat for Mr. Happy"

From the Files of Bargis Tryhol,
Agent OO4

Chapter Three
Bargis Takes Flight (and Fancy)

Click here to see Chapter One
Click here to see Chapter Two

Before leaving headquarters, Bargis had stopped by Q's equipment check-out department and picked up his assigned gear. He made small talk and chit chat with the man at the desk, but became really interested when Q's new assistant brought him his equipment.

"Hello, Agent 004," said the young, perky woman with the amazing smile (who must have spent a lot of time in the dentist office). "I should let you know that I have been warned about you, but I like what I hear."

"You have the advantage of me," answered Bargis.

"My name is Chamone, but in the office I'm known as Q'tee."

"Well, Q'tee, would you like to get into my BMW PDQ and head to my place for a little R&R?"

"That might be nice, but I'm flying to America myself in an hour to provide mission back-up and to introduce to our American counterparts some of our new gadgets."

"Are we flying together? I might introduce you to this little group I belong to called the Mile High Club."

Q'tee answered in the affirmative and grabbed a briefcase with the newest innovations in spyware. There was a package of condoms that released not only a spermicide into the woman, but also every known form of venerial disease and a homing transmitter (the male was safely protected). There was a small dual-directional electromagnet that was effective at close range for turning an adversary's gun back to "safety" (it also was great at unhooking bra straps). There was a pair of x-ray sunglasses could detect weapons or transcievers on enemy agents, and also tell you whether or not they had a Brazilian or pieced their nipples.

As Bond took her briefcase out to the back of his car, Q'tee slipped into her office and made a call on her cell phone. "Yes, it's going to be 004 for sure. We're leaving now and heading for the airport. It looks like my part of the plan is coming together."

A short time later, after a stop at a hotel close to Heathrow for a quickee (Bargis had an hourly rate plan card and used it often), Tryhol and Q'tee were jetting their way over the Atlantic Ocean in first class seats on Continental Airlines. Tryhol preferred them because of their old slogan from the 70's, "the proud bird with the golden tail." Over the years, he'd gotten a lot of golden tail from the stewardesses on these flights.

Bargis called the flight attendant over shortly after take-off and ordered his favorite drink. "I'll have a Harvey WallBanger please, and another one for the lady. Please make sure to give her a cocktail weinee also, as she just loves the taste of those in her mouth."

On the other side of the pond:
Meanwhile, in a warehouse in Richmond, Virginia (a few hours south of Washington D.C.), a secret group was meeting. The main leaders of D.E.F.E.C.A.T.E., the Dark Emmisaries For Establishing Control And Terror Everywhere, sat around a long table.

Their leader, a bald man named BlowMe, sat at the head of that table and stroked a white pussy. His secretary did not mind at all and gave soft moans that pleased him and added tension to the room.

"Comrade Wirehead, a report please," he said.

A man who was obviously a stooge that was destined to be killed before chapter seven stood nervously. "Sir, we have baited the trap. Agents Maxwell Smart and his wife, Agent 99, are being held prisoner at an unknown location that will probably be successfully tortured out of me."

"At the same location, we have the Skooby Doo team, along with their Mystery Machine van, Batman and Robin, the guys from the Dukes of Hazzard, Starsky and Hutch, Dirty Harry Callahan, Joe Friday, Jim Rockford, Charlie Chan and eight of his sons, Simon Templar, the body of Hercule Poirot, and half a dozen girls from the National Hooters Wet T-shirt contest finals."

"Other agents of other governments and organizations are imprisoned at different safehouses around the same area, but this is the one where we've set the trap for anyone still out there."

"The only only agents who can possibly stop us that we have not captured are Felix, Inspector Morse, and Bargis Tryhol."

BlowMe raised his voice in anger. "That big dick! You have not captured him yet!"

"No sir, but we have a person on the inside that has made sure he is in flight and on his way to America right now. They've also guaranteed that the three will be together this evening. We can capture all of them at once, and then your master plan can go forward."

BlowMe stood before his men and almost shouted, "Yes, because tonight, I plan to take over the world!"

Meanwhile, in Washington, D.C.:

Madame Bitters, Chief Madame of the Washington D.C. Congressional Whorehouse was looking over a list of applications for employment. She saw that a former librarian named Kensington was applying for work, but knew that she just would not fit in. She knew that, while librarians hate it, Congressman prefer their pages bent over. That application went into the "thanks, but not interested" file.

She was looking at the next application when her phone rang. Bitters glanced down at the caller ID and saw a familiar number.

"Bargis," she said into the receiver after picking it up, "are you coming in for a visit on official business?"

"Yes," said Bargis Tryhol on the other end of the line. "I'm going to need one of your safe houses, fully staffed of course, for an indefinite amount of time."

"Any special requests?"

"Hot tub, mirrored ceilings, large beds, six or seven semi naked house maids (female, of course),fully stocked bar, a creaking doorstep so that I can hear the bad guys coming, one hispanic male pool boy for the lady agent that's with me, lubricants, whips, chains, handcuffs,...the usual."

"Do you need this close to CIA, FBI, the Capitol, the White House, or any special location?"

"If you could, put it in a hilly area in a business district with lots of vendor carts for us to run over in high speed chases. We'll need alleys nearby, as well as at least one fruitstand and someone carrying a mirror or large pane of glass."

"That all sounds like the usual to me."

"Have the keys delivered to Felix at CIA in Langley, then maybe you can come see me late this evening."

After setting a time for their rendevous and hanging up, the Madame picked up the phone and made a call herself. "Yes, I just spoke with 004. Yes, it is all set according to plan."

Near C.I.A. Headquarters:

Inspector Morse picked Felix in the parking lot and they drove together to the airport to get Bargis Tryhol.

As they sat in the car at a stoplight, Morse pulled a file from his briefcase and handed it to Felix. "Would you believe...it looks like Agent 86 and his wife are missing now too."

"They've captured Maxwell Smart!" said a shocked passenger.

"When you add him to the list, it looks like most of the top agents from around the world are missing. Many of them disappeared in Richmond, so that's where I think we should start our investigation."

"Have you told James yet," asked Felix.

"No, we'll give him his debriefing when he gets off the plane and picks up his luggage."

"If I know James," responded the CIA agent, "James has already had one or two debriefings today. That man just can't keep his pants on!"

As the two drove, they did not practice their training and did not notice the car tailing them. It parked three spaces away at the airport and four men in dark suits and sunglasses exited and followed them into the baggage claim area.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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