Bernie Madoff: What's that?
Guard: That's your new home, 983867.
Bernie: It's only one room!
Guard: But it's very efficient. You can eat, read, sleep, take a crap without exerting yourself.
Bernie: You mean that's my bed?
Bernie: How many threads per square inch?
Bernie: But I have tender skin!
Guard: Yeah, a couple of the inmates noticed. Particularly, Well-Hung Harry. I wouldn't bend over for the soap if I were you.
Bernie: And that?
Bernie: That contraption with the hole.
Guard: Your toilet.
Bernie: You mean that's where I'm supposed to do number 1 and 2?
Guard: And 3 and 4 for all I care.
Bernie: But there's no seat.
Guard: Make believe. You're good at that.
Bernie: But the toilet paper has wood splinters in it!
Guard: That's a present from the warden. He lost $3.6 million from your Ponzi scheme.