Written by Skoob1999
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Friday, 19 June 2009

image for Star Trek - Episode Whatever This Space Thing - Too Complicated

Captain Buck Kirk, Commander of the Starship Enterprise turns on the Employee Satisfaction Scanner, and focusses on Ensign Skoob, the Enterprise librarian, who isn't half as interesting as some girl with deep cleavage and long legs.

Ensign Skoob has his head in his hands, hunched over a desk, thinking to himself: "Shit, I was never a Trekkie. I was brought up to be a pirate, but then the bastards left me in the Hebrides running a kebab shop while they buggered off to the Virgin Islands.

Ensign Skoob doesn't know what he's doing here. Ensign Turse took a ride in a cloud skimmer, leaving Skoob as the sole Limey on board.

What's this all about? Ensign Skoob is asking himself. Some bloke with pointy ears trying to be all logical, a ship's captain with the world's largest penis, a missing ape?

Oh bugger.

Ensign Skoob decides to join his American crew members, leaves the library and hikes down to the canteen. He sits at a table occupied by Buck/Kirk who is leering at Madame Bitters cleavage. He spots ensign Morse pretending to be a droplet of sweat on said cleavage, recognises the Catalan twat he punched in the bollocks over a football result and decides to forego his American style lunch of fried chicken and watermelon.

Ensign Skoob then gets chatted up by a nubile crew member wearing a really short skirt but fails to rise to the occasion.

He walks down a corridor, making the doors go whoosh as he goes.

He stumbles upon a second dining area where John Hurt is having dinner, and decides to join him.

Ridley Scott, dining incognito decides he won't let Ensign Skoob in on what's going on here in this classic movie scene, so Ensign Skoob takes a seat, totally oblivious of what being a Trekkie actually means.

Then Hurt goes ballistic. He starts gurning for the cameras, makes like he's having some sort of coronary, then his back arches, his gut expands, and who should burst out of there but...

Monkey fucking Woods.

With all thoughts of the original mission derailed, not knowing where he is or what he's supposed to be doing, the one time ship's cook aborted the mission and focussed his attention on girls with long legs.

Transmission Ends.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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