Written by matwil
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Monday, 15 June 2009

image for Sherlock Holmes and the Missing Link A bushum cretinius thinking about golf

As the door bell rang at 223c Baker Street, 'Get that, will you, Watson?' came from Sherlock Holmes, and 'Answer the door, please, Mrs Doil', that doctor said, and soon she was ushering scientist and traveller Charles Darwin into the room. 'Mr Charles Darwin', she announced, and then went away to carry on scrubbing the floors, while Holmes and Watson invited the visitor to take a seat.

'Now, sir', Holmes said, 'what can I do for you?' 'Mr Holmes', Darwin replied, putting the seat down, 'I have come for your assistance, unpaid for, of course.' Of course', said Holmes, and 'Of course', said Watson. 'Of course!', shouted Mrs Doil from the stairwell, looking forward to her weekly pay of thruppence ha'penny. 'The link between satirists, humans and apes has gone missing, and I need your detecting powers to assist, to deduce, to amplify, to -'

'Yes, we get the picture', Holmes said, belting Darwin on the side of the head with his copy of 'No Symbolism In The Bible, Oh No, It's All To Be Taken Literally', 'we shall take the case. Watson, book a trip on an HMS Beagle, if there is one around, and we shall set sail tomorrow morn.' And tomorrow morn the three were standing on the deck of the Beagle, watching the Lizard slip by in that lizardly way it does.

'Sir', Charles Darwin said to Holmes, 'what think you of our chances of finding the link?' 'We shall see, sire', the sleuth replied, 'as all we can see is sea.' 'C?', Watson asked. 'Si', said Holmes, and the trip continued, and soon they were rounding the Cape of No Hope. Suddenly Darwin spotted something through his telescope, an island that looked to be full of apes and humans..

'We shall land on the beach there', said Sherlock Holmes, 'and plant this red, white and blue flag on it, to claim this island.' 'But why?, queried Dr Watson. 'Because this flag is now an old piece of cloth nobody wants any more, I was hoping to get rid of it earlier, but needed it to blow my nose into.'

And soon Dr Watson, Sherlock Holmes and Charles Darwin had landed on the island. 'Do you think any of the humans here are satirists, Holmes?', Watson asked. 'It depends if we can find the missing link, the link between satirists - intelligent, well-read people, with an understanding of the world - other humans, and the apes - idiotic, grunting primates that do whatever they're told to, and need to make lots of animal noises for the rest of the world to even notice them. The link between satirists, humans and apes must be somewhere.'

'That ape', Charles Darwin said, pointing to one sitting on a rock, 'is of the species bushum cretinius. Listen to the primitive noises it makes, and notice all the nearby humans chattering away loudly about everything the ape does. And similarly about everything the monkey next to it, an obama ridiculae, does.'

But why do the humans here talk endlessly about some unintelligent apes, sir?', Dr Watson asked the naturalist. 'Because it makes them feel important, in a world they have no real use.' 'Empty barrels make more ale than a goose laying a golden opportunity to take the mountain to the coffee', said Sherlock Holmes. 'Precisely', added Darwin, 'now let us seek the missing link, it may have gone to the other side of the island.'

Passing more rare species of primates, a few tonae bleriots, a brown gordonian monkey, and some Cameronian baboons that were feeding on Griffin's slugs, they reached the other shore of the island. 'Thirsty work this, Holmes', Dr Watson said, mopping his brow with another differently-designed red, white and blue flag, also old and beyond repair,

'let's have a tea break', and a few nearby chimpanzees quickly brewed up some tea for them. 'Looks like this has been a wasted journey', Charles Darwin said, in between taking bites of a bar of Pontefract and Macclesfield Imperial Coal Tar chocolate, but Sherlock Holmes disagreed.

'Before we had our tea', he said, 'I noticed some of the humans on this side of the island were drawing a blueprint in the sand, to help them to build a helicopter. And this will allow the intelligent ones here to escape from the island, and to go and found nations they will probably call Greece, Rome, France, and even Great Britain, and to give the world satire and even, incredibly, irony. And they must be the missing link between satirists, humans and apes.'

'Sensationally sensational!', Watson said. 'But how did you work it all out, sir?', Darwin asked the sleuth, and Holmes, pausing to check his shares in Getting USA Todo British Dirtywork Forthem Inthemiddleeast Plc, replied 'It was el -'

'Elementary?', interrupted Dr. Watson. 'No, elephantine. That flock of elephants we spotted from the Beagle flying south for the winter must have given the intelligent humans here the basis for inventing and building a large helicopter. But not large enough for all the humans to fit into it.'

'So what will happen to the ones left behind?', and here Charles Darwin brought in his knowledge of evolution in to the discussion. 'They will spend hundreds of years here', he said, 'believing everything they're told, talking about apes, and sending money to - and even occasionally going over the ocean to die for - the Greeks, Romans, French and British. But with no ability to adapt, to understand satire and irony, they will never be anything else.'

'But won't they notice they're being used in such a dastardly fashion?', Watson asked him. 'No', Darwin replied, 'for they will soon discover newspapers and televisions, and from then on will believe all the lies and propaganda that is fed to them from overseas.'

'Dashed rotten luck for them', Watson said. 'They have only themselves to blame', Sherlock Holmes put in, 'when they first came to this island they had a glorious chance to build a new part of the world, one of hope and peace and equality.'

'But they let themselves be taken over by humans that are only interested in doing what their apes they spend so much time talking about do - overeating, killing one another, and preening themselves, and believing their island is somehow important to the intelligent humans who left the island.'

'Will they become extinct?', Watson asked Charles Darwin. 'Not if they can adapt, but many of them must also leave the island to advance their culture, and the ones staying behind must rid themselves of the - frankly - gangsters who have hijacked them for their own ends. We shall see what happens ...'.

'Come, let us go back to the Beagle', Holmes said, 'this case is finished.' 'Not me, mate', Darwin said, 'what would I want to go back to that other miserable island for? Nice and warm here, plenty of fruit, and, er, there's a rather beautiful native girl I'd like to get to know a bit better, and make a bit of evolution with myself. Bye!', and he left the detective and the doctor to make their way to the ship.

As the Beagle sailed into Reichenbach harbour a week later, Dr Watson put down his sick bag, and said 'Well, now we've found the link, all is well again, Holmes. We might as well go off and play some golf, and whack back a few crates of Old Throgglehurst's Dusty Carpet Fluid.'

'I fear not, Watson, for our ship is sinking!', and indeed it then sank without trace, but not before the figure of Professor Moriarty was seen leaving it in the only seaworthy lifeboat left on the vessel, after he had cut holes in the bottom of all the others.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

97 readers are online right now!

Go to top