Written by matwil
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Monday, 8 June 2009

image for 'The Adventures of Nick the Slug' Nick the Slug

'Once upon a time there was a huge slug called Nick, and the slug had no place to call home, as nobody liked slugs. It slithered from garden path to refuse tip, from abbatoir to sewage plant, but could never find anywhere to stay for long, as when people saw it they booted it away from them, as slugs are very slimy animals indeed.

And then one day the slug had an idea - why not find a garden that allows anyone, even slugs, to stay in it, because such a garden would be full of unwanted trash and parasites that nobody likes. And Nick the slug searched high and low for such a garden, but couldn't find it.

The gardeners in Westminster shut the door in his slimy face, the ones in towns and villages across England put out slug poison for him, and in one garden in Yorkshire an angry mob threw salt at Nick the slug to get rid of him, and he was just about to give up finding a garden for parasites and vermin when he arrived at the Euro Garden for Parasites and Vermin, and Sad, Slimy Slugs.

'All lowlife, pondlife, and disgusting, slimy slugs welcome in this garden!', a faded sign said, and at last Nick the slug had found somewhere to live in. And all the people in the cities, towns and villages of England heaved a huge sigh of relief, as they would never see or hear from Nick the slug again, and could go back to running their gardens in peace.

'It's a victory for England', former Prime Minister Sir Winston Churchill said, giving his famous 'V' sign, 'we didn't win the Second World War against Nazi Germany to let some revolting, slimy slugs take over our gardens. Slugs would last about two seconds against the genuine English people, if they could be bothered dealing with them.'

'They can't, the slugs are a joke. But if they try and come back into OUR gardens, they'll soon find out how not only tolerant and easy-going the English are, but also how ruthless and determined they are to never again let such slugs infest our green and pleasant land.'

Slug poison is available at your nearest voting booth. Use it, and wipe out the slugs.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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