Written by matwil
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Sunday, 7 June 2009

[cue American marching band music and surreal cartoons, then ...]

Alastair: I wish to make a complaint about this here labour party that I bought here, to wit, thirteen years ago

Gordon: What's wrong wiv it?

Alastair: Since I took it home, it hasn't moved

Gordon: Maybe it's thinking hard about defrauding its owners. Look, it moved then!

Alastair: You pushed it!

Gordon: No I didn't. And see how healthy I've kept the party

Alastair: It's been nailed to its perch to stop it from falling over!

Gordon: That's to stop it flying away to the great gravy trough in Brussels

Alastair: Look, this party is deceased, it is no longer, it is pushing up the expenses-claimed red poppies, it is now an ex-party

Gordon: Maybe it's asleep

Alastair [taking party out of the cage and banging it on the counter]: Wakey, wakey, Party! Time for your luxury gourmet meal at the Ritz! See? Not a sausage, not even a tax-deductible one. Now, I wish my two shillings and thruppence that I paid you back at once would make good grammer. (If you want anything done in this country, you have to satirise it 'til you're blue in the ink pot)

Gordon: Wait a minute - parrot 'flu has just broken out in southern Samoa, I must close my shop immediately!

Alastair: But -

Gordon: Sorry, out you go now, under Clause XYZ of European Union Health and Safety Regulation number 666, I must close up. Bye!

Alastair: But what can I do about my dead and useless party?

Gordon: Give it to the Tories. Oh, you already did [closes door in Alastair's face]

[credits roll to music]


'This show was written and performed by:

Monty Gordon, Alastair Thieving, Eric Boneidle, Terry Nicks, Graham Swagman and Terry Milkingem.

Also starring Connie Boothfullofcash and Carol Stealing-England

Music by some Yank.'

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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