LOS ANGELES - CNN talk show host Larry King recently interviewed Scottish songtress Susan Boyle, whom many felt was a virtual shoe-in to win Britain's Got Talent. But alas it was not to be as she came in second behind the all-male dance troupe Diversity.
LARRY: Hello Susan. You're looking spiffy.
SUSAN: Thank you Mr. King and you look somewhat dashing yourself.
LARRY: Thank you. You can call me Larry, please.
SUSAN: Okay, Larry please it is.
LARRY: Hmmm. Ah Susan let me get right to it. The world has been watching you over the course of several weeks and the number one question on everyone's mind, above all of the many dozens and dozens of questions is...are those eyebrows really real?
SUSAN: Yes, Larry please. My eyebrows are in fact real. Yes, they are as real as all of the wrinkles on your face. They're as real as all of the liver spots on your hands. and they are as real as the limp (BODY PART DELETED BY EDITOR) in the crotch of your oversized pants.
LARRY: Wow! You're one fiesty Scottish lass aren't you?
SUSAN: Larry please, I'm 48 and I have learned to defend myself quite well thank you.
LARRY: That's fine. And my name is just plain Larry. It's not Larry please.
SUSAN: Okay. then just plain Larry it is.
LARRY: Gosh. No wonder you ain't married. You are one tough chick.
SUSAN: Well coming from a man who has been married nine times I certainly take that as a compliment.
LARRY: Tell me Susan. What are Simon Cowell, Amanda Holden, and Piers Morgan really like.
SUSAN: (GRINNING LIKE THE FOX THAT SWALLOWED THE CANARY). Well just plain Larry, let me talk about Piers first. The man, who I think looks a little bit like Stan Laurel, but only on steroids, deep down inside is a good man. He has given me more compliments that I have ever received by any man and furtheremore...
LARRY: (INTERRUPTING HER) Really?
SUSAN: Yes. And just plain Larry please do not interrupt me when I am talking or else I'll get up and leave.
LARRY: Okay. But drop the just plain. Please. Just call me Larry, that's L-a-r-r-y. Larry. Like as in Moe, Larry, and Curly.
SUSAN: Okay. Amanda is a beautiful woman. And let me tell you that she has more boyfriends than Paris Hilton, Pamela Anderson, Jennifer Aniston, Shakira, and Condoleezza Rice all put together.
LARRY: Condoleezza Rice?
SUSAN: Yes, Mr. King. I did not stutter did I not?
LARRY: You did not. So how about Mr. Cowell.
SUSAN: (BLUSHING) Simon is a true gentleman.
SUSAN: Oh yes. He let me drive his Bugatti Veyron you know. I'm not much of a driver, but I did manage to get the bugger up to 35 mph.
LARRY: Wow. You know Susan, that particular car has a sticker price of $1 million. And by the way rumor has it that you tried out the back seat.
SUSAN: Yes. I did sit in the backseat when he picked up his mother to take her to the dentist.
LARRY: Tell me Susan all of this hoopla about you being 48 and never having been kissed is it still true.
SUSAN: (BLUSHING AGAIN) Larry I guess you don't watch Entertainment Tonight do you.
LARRY: Well no.
SUSAN: I thought so. Because if you did you would know that I have already received my first kiss and it was from none other than Brad Pitt.
LARRY: Brad Pitt?
SUSAN: Yes Larry. Brad Pitt. Angelina Jolie, his woman, arranged it all. It was great.
LARRY: Be honest Susan. Did he try to get to second base?
SUSAN: Larry those are very personal questions but since you are paying me a heck of a lot of money, I will tell you that dear young Brad did manage to get to second base and he also managed to slide into third base. But that is as far as I am going with this baseball analogy.
LARRY: Fair enough. So tell me Boyle did the Pittster get into your knickers?
SUSAN: That's it Larry. Our interview is over. Please give me my $50,000 and I'll be on my way thank you very much.
In regards to the baseball analogy. Brad did of course get to first base. He went on to second. And he actually got thrown out at third.
Next time on Larry King Live. Larry interviews Kirstie Alley, Wynonna Judd, and Kelly Clarkson. The three gals talk about being overweight, overworked, and overfed.