Written by Rob Barratt
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Thursday, 28 May 2009

image for The Seat by the Toilet The Seat by the Toilet

I recently took a National Express coach up to Heathrow. The only seat available that wasn't next to someone was the seat by the toilet at the back. After my initial reluctance to sit there I began to realise that it was a pretty good place to sit with a view if the road ahead and room to stretch my legs. I wrote this poem on the bus.........

The Seat by the Toilet by Rob Barratt

Yes, the seat by the toilet's
The best by a mile; it's
The only seat in which to sit
In the seat by the loo
You've a wonderful view
Of the road (and a faint whiff of shit)

Oh, the seat by the lav
Is the seat I must have
I can straighten my legs down the aisle
I've got people to smile at
As they queue for the toilet
It's the seat for a man of my style

Now the toilet's so clean
That it's almost obscene
So you don't need to wait till the terminus
Rest assured that the rest room's
Not an infested pest room
Or the habitat of something verminous

In the seat at the rear
There is nothing to fear
And your icy cold heart will just melt
There is room there to dance
Or adjust underpants
If it wasn't for your safety belt

In the seat by the bog
You won't sleep like a log
But it's an en suite location, location
'Cos if you need a poo
It's just right next to you
And it's yours all the way to the station

Though the seat by the privy
May get rather whiffy
When the occupants don't shut the door
As they exit the closet
Where they've made their deposit
Just reach out, turn the knob, por favor

The lavatorial seat
Will not always smell sweet
But it's clearly the one I prefer
I'll pretend I'm the driver
And I bet you a fiver
That nobody else will sit ther (Liverpudlian pronunciation)

(sing)
Oh I do like to be
By the WC
Oh, I do like to be close beside it …………..
I will know where you're going
With your to-ing and fro-ing
Bowel or bladder, you know you can't hide it

So ….. On the National Express
If your body is stressed
And you're feeling the need to uncoil it
Make your journey complete
And head straight for that seat
Just relax and stretch out by the toilet

(sing) Oh dear, what can the matter be
I like the seat right next to the lavatory
It brings me great satisfaction and happily
Nobody else will sit there


The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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