Written by matwil
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Thursday, 28 May 2009

image for The Expenses Files: 'The Kirkbride Phenomena' Anne Kirkbride's second home, allowance £1 million a week

As Federal agents Mulder and Scully arrived at the luxury cottage in the badlands of Worcestershire, there seemed no sign of anyone at the Kirkbride home.

'There's no sign of anyone at the Kirkbride home', Mulder said, 'my theory is that something mysterious is going on here. That extraterrestial activity has drawn people away from this place.'

'Nonsense, Mulder, there'll be a perfectly rational explanation.' 'Hmm, let's talk to the neighbours.' 'Neighbors.' 'Sure.'

At the next cottage, Mrs. Elspeth Brummie answered her door to the two detectives. 'It has been a bit odd', she said, 'first the Kirkbrides' secretary suddenly vanished, and reappeared 140 miles away. Very strange. And she had to stop doing her secretarial work in the village here, of course. '

'Then Mr. and Mrs. Kirkbride moved hundreds of miles from each other into seperate homes, yet every day to stay together as a married couple they have to travel all those miles to one of the houses in the morning, then hundreds of miles back to the other one at night. Wouldn't you think just staying in one home would be easier?'

'Mrs. Brummie', Mulder said, 'have there been any, well, other unusual sightings? Strange flickering lights, odd noises?' 'Well yes, funny you should mention that. One of their relations here sits in his house all day, and there's flashes at the window at night, and sometimes loud noises too.'

'We must go to that house, Agent Scully, and investigate.' 'Probably just a thousand pounds' worth of high definition televisions and stereos making the lights and noises, claimed on government expenses', she reasoned.

The pair approached this house cautiously, as their briefing had said that the large Kirkbride family were extremely dangerous, especially to British taxpayers. Mulder knocked on the door. 'FBI!', he called out, 'open this door!', and a head came out of the top window.

'What is it?' 'We are investigating strange lights and noises in this vicinity, sir', Scully said. 'And a secretary that has to try and work here from 140 miles away without visiting here, and a married couple that mysteriously live together and apart at the same time.'

'And strangest of all', added Mulder, 'there's the silent and invisible children we were informed frequently stay in this building.' 'They're asleep', came from the window, 'and have been for the last twelve months.' The FBI agents withdrew into a nearby cabbage patch to confer.

'I still believe some sort of phenomena is at work here', Mulder said, 'all the unusual happenings involving the Kirkbride family seem to point that way.' 'Unless -', said Scully. 'What?' 'Unless they're just a bunch of thieving gits, thinking no-one will notice as they zoom around the country to their many houses, buying TVs and renting flats, all at government expense to line their own pockets.'

'I find your attitude somewhat cynical, Agent Scully, there may have been alien visitations here.' 'Yes, there have', she replied, 'they're called the Kirkbride family', and the cameras faded as the programme's famous spooky music played, and Mulder and Scully went off to see Catatonia in concert, at Edgbaston cricket ground.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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