As every man-loving chap-about-town knows, it can be difficult coming out of the closet. Particularly when the closet is full of naked men. But never fear, as this week i will take all the strain out of yelling from the rooftops 'I'm gay!!!' with my handy hints for closeted queens.
Number 1- The cloths a man wears tell a lot bout his interests and character. So instead of actually saying 'I'm gay' let your wardrobe do the talking. Purchase a T-shirt with the word 'gay' written across the chest. To avoid confusion also include the words 'gay as in likes cock, not happy- and this word refers to me- the official wearer of this t-shirt.' Place this in small print at the bottom of your T-shirt-shirt. This will also get a lot of needed attention down to your crotch area.
Number 2- Try flirting with persons of the same sex in front of family members. Try to avoid inadvertently flirting with family members by remembering who they are and avoiding their eye contact. Simply find some random same sex person, invite them round for Sunday lunch and obsessively rub their leg and laugh at everything they say in a very affected manner, avoiding all contact with family members until there is no doubt that you are in a minority.
Number 3- It is a fact well known to all evening television viewers that gay people like to be seen as 'camp.' So try to incorporate elements of campness into your personality. Try lifting the pitch of your voice a few octaves, make all your gestures fluid and graceful like a drifting butterfly and say the word 'hot' and 'babe' and 'oh my gawd' as many times as sanity will allow.
Number 4- Try telling your friends and family through the language of interpretive dance. Get their attention with a sudden outburst of 'oh my gawd, this is soooo hot, look here babe!' Before gesticulating wildly with your pelvis and flailing your limbs in vibrantly different directions before dramatically screaming and dropping to the floor into a puddle of tears. This display will tell your selected friends and family all they need to know about your difficult situation.
Number 5- Everyone knows that hard times are made easier by the presence of other people. United we stand, divided we fall. So invite several handfuls of diverse people round to
your parents house and all chant in unison "Gay! Gay! Gay! We are Gay!" This will take most of the fear out of the situation, at least for you.
Number 6- Try using the power of subtlety by simply leaving certain homo-associated items around your home for friends to casually peruse. Such as a copy of 'The City and the pillar' by Gore Vidal or the black and white movie 'Death in Venice.' Or if your friends are thick as pig shit, a large butt plug and tub of industrial lubricant. If your friends don't notice the subtly, try coughing and pointing or wave it in their face whilst singing Queen's anthem 'I want to break free.'
Number 7- If all else fails simply write them a letter. Letters have the strength to allow us to unleash our deepest feelings without personal contact. Put some creativity into the letter by writing it in your own blood onto lavender scented paper. The simple words 'I've got something to tell you that i think you should know. I'm on the other side. I load in the backdoor. I know you will understand.' should suffice. Pin it to their front door under cover of darkness. This will allow the other person to come to terms with the information in their own time. If your friend suddenly packs up and flees to Russia never to be seen again they probably aren't a good friend and should be crossed off the Christmas card list.
Number 8- Try getting other people to do the work for you by spreading a rumor around your town or workplace. Graffiti the words 'Simon is a gay boy!' onto the walls and wait for the word to spread. This tactic works best if your name is Simon. Or try getting drunk and accidentally blurting it out to a random stranger before swearing them to secrecy. Such is human nature that the word will spread by lunchtime. Provided you're drunk at breakfast.
Number 9- Try and get your friends to ask you directly by subtly turning the conversation round to sexuality. Such as if a friend says 'have you read any good books lately?' You should reply 'books are gay.' Then wait for their reply. Or if they ask 'have you seen the latest Star Wars movie?' You should say 'Star Wars is gay.' This may work, unless your friend is an avid fan, in which case you should say this from a safe distance away. Remember that this tactic can be used anywhere at anytime as everything is potentially gay.
Number 10- The final tactic for coming out the closet is to get married and start a loving family. During this process, which could take a decade to see through, you should try and become a pillar of your local community. Perhaps run for local elections, join your neighborhood watch, start a book club and cultivate an image of steadfast moral decency. When everyone is sick of your sanctimonious, self-righteous, dogmatic twattery, post a photo of yourself giving oral relief to an underage gypsy lad on the Internet, print out copies and stick them up around town.
When the story becomes front page of the local papers you can burst into tears and yell at the press 'I've been living a lie! I feel so free! I can finally be myself and say to the world, i am a gay man!'
This tip does require some dedication on the part of the person doing it and you should definitely make sure you aren't just bi-curious before attempting it.
Well that's it for this week. I hope i have given you some food for thought. I like to think of these tips as being like an erect penis... they often come in handy.