For those with an avid belief in Feng Shui decorating your house can be difficult as most people who believe in Feng Shui live in government sponsored 'rest-homes.' But fear not! As this week we give you our ten top tips for good Chi living!
Tip number one is simple- make sure your house has a chair. Several if you actually have friends or relatives. Make sure this is positioned in a place where people won't trip over it. This is important for circling Chi around the buttocks, thighs and lower back. In China they sit on chairs and it's said by some that they live forever!
Tip number two- make sure your house has a toilet. This can be placed wherever the Feng Shui approved plumber says is best. If you're lucky you may already find one in the smaller room of your house. This is good for Chi in the lower intestine and colon. In China they squat over a hole in the dirt, but that's for enlightened people only. Best start slow!
Tip number three- a bed is good for sleeping in. Chi is strongest in the midnight hours so a bed is essential! A bed can also be used for reading, masturbating and arguing with your spouse in. In China they call beds 'coi carp' and the Chinese invented Chinese food… so there!
Tip number four- If you posses coffee coasters or a vase you will need to purchase a table. This allows Chi to cuddle your spleen. The Chinese invented Feng Shui after Emperor Tang-Woo hit his shin on a dishwasher.
Tip number five- cleanliness is next to Chi-ness so get a bath super quick. When touching your naked body with warm soapy water just think of Chi and Chi will think of you. The Chinese bathe together in giant communal city baths shaped like lobsters.
Tip number six- A doormat is not essential but it is essential that it is placed outside your door. There are 626 doormat related Feng Shui disasters every month when people inadvertently place doormats over their respiratory passages. In China drinking tea through a straw is punishable by death.
Tip number seven- stairs are for walking up, not down. If you need to go downstairs for any reason, phone your friendly local fire brigade. In China stairs are used only by homosexuals.
Tip number eight- you will need to purchase a map of china and hang it above your bed. For really healthy Chi levels it is best to buy several and place them in prominent positions around your house. Every time you pass one of these flags you must say 'Hail china!' Those who do this are blessed by the Chinese dragon God. In China cheese is mostly purple.
Tip number nine- if you are serious about this whole Feng Shui business you must get a passport and come to China. It is the only way brothers and sisters! In China the people are made out of animation.
Tip number ten- Come to China! Join us! We will make you strong! Join our swelling ranks! Unity! Peace! China forever! And remember to purchase a sink for those dirty dishes. In China they all talk like that Chinese bloke off the telly.
Hopefully you now have a lot to think about and keep you busy over the coming months. If you have benefited from this article then come to China and join us, join us, join us, join us…