'Now listen, children, let's go through it once again. Angelina Jolie is a film actress, hence should be written about in entertainment essays, not UK headlines ones. So is Clint Eastwood - well, you know what I mean - so don't put him in science and technology.'
'And seemingly endless mentions of your own gender hang-ups have nothing to do with any of the classes, and certainly nothing to do with the satirical ones, and means they're never even looked at. This is a secondary school, not a kindergarden.'
But one pupil, Jane Baddy, put up her hand and asked 'Please, sir, can I write stories about myself every day for months, even after I'm dead, and bore other pupils to their own deaths by doing so?' 'Only if you also write about Angelina Jolie, parts of the body, American Bone Idol, and all the other stuff that little girls like to snigger about.' 'Thank you, sir.'
'Now listen, children', the teacher said sternly, 'this may surprise you but most of the American so-called celebrities that feature prominently in your articles over and over are completely unknown outside America, and so are unknown to nearly four billion people, and unknown because they have no interest to anyone over the age of 11.'
'How many times have I told you to only write about famous and interesting people and events? Whoever or whatever a Rush Limbo is, or a Hugh Jackass, means your marks will be reduced at the end of term. Concentrate on world affairs and celebrities, please. Class dismissed, I have to go to my second job, of teaching American children that:
(a) the USA did not win two World Wars, or even participate in them in Europe until the British Commonwealth, and in World War Two the Soviet Union, had more or less won them, (b) films suggesting Americans did win them are fictional, (c) China and Russia and the European Union rule the world, Americans don't;
(d) it matters nothing who the President of the USA is, or what he does, (e) American 'celebrities' are almost always manufactured nobodies who never do anything interesting, (f) American sports are feeble ones, invented because Americans can't win at 'real' ones, and (h) a nation that elects a moron like George W Bush followed by a shallow fake like Barack Obama deserves its own fate, and deserves to be harpooned by satirists at every opportunity.'
'Please, sir', Jane Baddy said, 'you've missed out (g).' 'Gee, so I did. Uh-oh, I've turned into an American! Pupils', he announced, putting on a Barack Obama taking-myself-too-seriously voice, 'kindly ignore my previous intonations, the USA is the mightiest country in the world, and won two World Wars, not because Americans never win wars without the British being around, but because -'
'and let me make this clearsomely lucid in a longwindywise way - it sounds better to American voters, children and movie makers. Let me just say -', but the classroom had emptied, as even British schoolchildren find such talk ridiculous and childish, plus, of course, completely untrue.
But let's not write satire about it. Let's stick to Angelina Jolie, parts of the body, American Bone Idol, and all the other stuff that little girlzzzzzz ...