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Sunday, 17 May 2009

image for A Day In The Life Of Hazel Blears MP Hazel takes a break from the hours of filling in expenses forms every day

07:00 - Get up, and have grilled ptarmigan and coleslaw served on silver dishes, with a half-bottle of Dom Perignon champagne

08:00 - Get servant to wash and dry the dishes

09:00 - Wander out into the garden, pleased to see that lots of money is growing on the trees there

10:00 - Play a game of crocquet with John Prescott, another servant holds his mallett for him

11:00 - Husband appears in garden, being carried on a sedan chair by more servants

12:00 - Decide to have five-course lunch indoors, as a speck of gold dust might be blown onto the food from husband polishing his House of Commons gold bar collection

13:00 - Spent next hour filling in MPs' expense forms, claiming for a holiday in Rome, thirty pairs of leather shoes, eight meals at London's luxury restaurants, the wages of seven servants, the upkeep of four racehorses, an evening at a casino, three rounds of golf at Wentworth, a case of Dom Perignon flown over by helicopter, and a partidge and a pear tree

14:00 - Decide to walk to Parliament for some exercise, but get lost as don't know where it is, so have to hire a fleet of limousines to get back home safely

15:00 - Play husband at a game of 'Monopoly', only with real houses paid for by the taxpayer

15:30 - Sell one of your houses and pocket the cash

16:00 - Pick up a 'Pay Capital Gains Tax' card, but ignore it

16:30 - Set the pedigree, taxpayer-funded dogs on to a journalist, for daring to come round and ask what exactly you do as Secretary of Something or Other, and why it uses up so many expenses

17:00 - Go and have a bath in the gold-plated bath, singing 'If I Ruled The World'

18:00 - Phone up Harrod's, and order a new luxury dinner set

18:02 - Fill in a government expenses claim form for it

18:05 - Go on a public hygiene fact-finding course, held in the Bar Napoletana restaurant over an eight-course meal

19:00 - Go home and begin filling in expenses forms for the day

20:00 - Still filling them in

21:00 - Need to get one of the servants to massage right hand, as sore from filling in the forms

22:00 - Finally finish the forms, have a large 45 year-old House of Commons malt whisky

22:10 - Open Ministerial Despatch box, and start reading contents

22:13 - Finish reading contents

22:15 - Watch an old film on TV

00:00 - Go to bed, and dream of an eight week holiday in Africa. All at taxpayers' expense.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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