It's that time of year again: Eurovision night. Countries across Europe vote for their neighbours' songs in a contest which was originally intended to restore post-war unity and further continental relations, but which has now descended into a farce of who can look the gayest. Ironically the supposedly homophobic Russians decide the winner - because of their numerous satellite states and their stranglehold on the European gas supply.
This year's contest will be held in Moscow for the first time ever. It was inaugurated in 1956 when only Western European countries were included, the East remaining behind the iron curtain. That curtain has long been torn down, leading to an embarrassing stand-off between the West where the contest is seen as a joke, and Eastern Europe where winning is greatly desirable - as long as the winner can afford to host it the following year. The East has won almost every year since 2001.
Highlights of this year's contest include: a German act attempting to be funny; a fat Maltese woman; countless ex-Russian states; a blonde Swede; and the inevitably dreadful UK entry, this year written by the hunchbacked cretin Lloyd Webbed-feet Andrews.
The bookies' favourite for this year is a cynical attempt by the Norwegian team to attract the widest number of votes possible. They have hired a Russian poof who sings about fairies.